Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Hi, I'm A Rapper
Maybe many of my updates have become less entertaining and more jaded this year, however, can you really blame me? I'm a unique genius who finds so much wrong with the world around me and no means to change it. Hell, I can't even get my music heard by the ordinary casual listener. Some "great emcee" I've turned out to be, right? It's sad, I know.
I try to be the best man I can be. I do as much as I can for those important to me, even if I sacrifice the food on my own plate for them, and I seem to receive nothing in return. I'm not looking for monetary compensation for my efforts, or a wild night, or gifts, or anything of the sort. I'm looking for support and a binding friendship in return, that's all. I find that next to impossible to find.
What I find instead is betrayal and disappointment. I stay up all night worried about the next deadline I need to meet while trying to handle all of my affairs on my own. I can't even trust some of my "closest friends" to help me keep everything organize, keep me properly informed of things that matter to me, or simply listen to my music. Why is it I'm so selfless but always the bottom priority...if I make the list at all? These people never hesitate to come to me when they've encountered a problem, however, I'm the last person they think about when good things occur.
I feel like the world's most insignificant son of a bitch. I'm good to keep around for entertainment, I'm a reliable source of knowledge and wisdom, I'm supportive, I'm caring...I treat others as I would have them treat me. Is it so wrong to expect the same in return?
If I go out of my way to do something for you so that you may accomplish your goals or come one step closer to bringing your dreams to fruition, shouldn't you do the same for me when I genuinely NEED you? That's why I'm down. I'd spend the time listing all the answers to that question but it would be absolutely pointless. All the readers would do is look for a way to demonize or discredit my claims, however, I know the truth because I'm the witness. I know what I've read and been told and I don't need someone telling me I misinterpreted the conversations.
The truth is my feelings are completely justifiable. I don't matter. Currently I'm unaware of whether I should bid this world farewell or keep pushing until I achieve what I've set out to do only to turn my back on everyone I've met along the way. What I AM aware of is that bottle of zinc sitting "innocently" on my dresser. Everyone knows too much zinc in a single dose is deadly...well...I have half a bottle and a lot of water.
I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being tired. I'm entirely too stressed and I'm not covering any ground with the masses on my road to acquiring a deal for myself and my label. I can't even invest in it anymore! I'm completely out of money! lol Still, even with no food in my refrigerator "they" keep demanding and begging for free work, gifts, and money. Such cruelty.
Suicide isn't selfish.
People are.
And I'd rather rule in hell than burn on Earth.
My mind is mad deep and you've just jumped in. If I don't make the news I'm still alive.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Dear Mr. Hawking...
Alas, we forget the history of scientific study. One brilliant scientist makes a claim that is usually completely ridiculous, the people rave or riot because neither party actually understands the thinking of said scientist, and another more brilliant scientist comes along and either proves the previous scientist wrong or popularizes more propaganda to make a name for him/herself. That said, this argument between religious purest and evolutionists is completely stupid.
For someone to claim another person is stupid for having faith in something that mathematically makes sense is stupid in itself. What I'm saying is, leading mathematicians have stated that faith in a leading deity, whether that deity is the true God or not, usually leads the individuals involved down a path of prosperity and/or contentment. This means they win, whether they are right or wrong. They have something to believe in, have something to live for, have a goal to accomplish, acquire togetherness within their own belief circles, learn to share, cooperate, and find help with difficult tasks. This is clearly a better way of life...gain.
Those who don't have any faith in anything spiritual are usually losing because they tend to be more reserved and removed from those around them who don't necessarily agree to their views or don't understand their reasoning, or lack thereof. Many people without faith suffer some tragic fate, become social & legal delinquents, and are overall unhappy with the state of the world. This isn't my personal opinion, rather that of the mathematicians, however, I do understand and respect the reasoning behind this. This isn't true for every individual case BUT it is true as a generalization. This is quite clear as a loss within the equation of human life.
Still, my point of view is in how both parties don't understand what true blind faith really is. No matter if you are proud of the faith or are ashamed, the faith is there. Simply put, if you believe the universe was born and expanded from nothing, which will inevitably cause it to collapse and decay into nothing, you are believing blindly in the origin and destruction of the universe as you can neither prove your claims and were not around to observe it personally. There is no such thing as physical evidence that any man, woman, or child could possibly fathom as adequate enough to prove such a ridiculous notion.
Apparently, under this logic, the LAWS of physics tend to bend around the wills of those who lack faith in a deity in order to support and gratify that individual. This is even more ridiculous and, in fact, weakens your stance rather than strengthens it. It is a physical LAW that you cannot create something from absolutely nothing. It is also a physical LAW that anything aflame needs an adequate fuel source. Another physical LAW is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Therefor, the big bang theory AND the big bounce theory are completely ridiculous to someone who knows and understands these key things.
Einstein disappeared after making these observations making such a statements, essentially meaning: Man's will to disprove the existence of a higher power, through scientific study, shall inevitably steer him on a collision course with God.
That's like a Darwinist stating that life "evolved" from previously inadament objects. I'll express how ridiculous THIS is also, for the sake of argument. If I bury the remote control to my television set for the better part of of 2 billion years, will that piece of equipment then emerge as its own being? No. We've learned that by the observation of fossils. The being that the fossil once belonged to had a head start and still its remains became nothing more than dust, as opposed to springing to life again as a new creature. If there is no life in it, there shall never be life in it no matter how long you wait.
That said, life is not a random universal phenomenon, it can't be because it breaks the laws of physics. That being the case, someTHING intelligent and transient MUST have designed it. A logical deduction is that THING, or deity, created all of these laws and set them indefinitely for duration of the life of the universe itself. Since matter can neither be created or destroyed something obviously had to design it and place it withing the cosmos. The cosmos are understood to be devoid of anything that isn't dust, radiation, some form of positive energy, and celestial bodies. If that's true we're floating around on a ball of water, dirt, and gas that sits out in the middle of nothingness...a void...something that exists to not exist.
The concept of God is a logical paradox and no person is capable of understanding it just as no person is capable of understanding the structure, life, and eventual death of the universe. Whether the universe is God or God created the universe is completely inconsequential at this point. What matters is we exist, we think, we feel, we birth life, we die, we learn, and we evolve. That isn't random, there is an order to it.
I'd rather not take the word of the man who 1) Isn't the most intelligent person on the planet, 2) Teaches the existence of black holes as fact when HE, himself, can't even actually OBSERVE the black hole, rather observe the elliptical behavior of the objects around a center of gravity...much like the behavior of our solar system (which doesn't have a black hole in it), and 3) Was renowned for having ridiculed the idea of God and those who believed in God, setting out to disprove the existence of God, and then as he entered his prime with such an objective, was stricken with the worse case of muscular dystrophy the modern world has ever seen. I don't know if it's cruel situational irony or a punishment from a supreme being (or both lol) but he appears to be less and less credible every time he thinks to express the thoughts floating around his decrepit mind.
My mind is mad deep and you can't swim...
I'm BACK, BITCHES!!!!!
Did he really just say that?!!
Yes! Yes, he did! He DID just say that!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Closed
Infinite Stylez is dead. There will only be James. It's been a nice run, folks...
Expect this account to no longer exist in a few days.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
God's Only Mistake Was...
Sometimes I look at that bottle of zinc on my dresser and feel like I should swallow all 200 remaining tablets before I go to sleep. I'm God's only mistake. Somehow I've been enveloped by bad karma...no matter what I do or how much of myself I put into those things, bad things happen. You're reading the words of a truly broken man with no desire to live. However, I feel so bad I don't think enough of myself to feel entitled to the comfort of death. So I just lay here.
I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I exist as a paradox...I'm a puzzle with no solution. Many may theorize but none shall ever figure me out? Why? Simply because I make absolutely no logical sense. Based on the definition of modern man I shouldn't even exist. I don't fit in with the crowd. Everything I do or say is misunderstood.
You people don't know me. As hard as I try to introduce you, quite frankly, you never will. I'm learning to accept that. In a world where everyone and everything must be classified, I simply have no place. So, I've become reclusive, finding that reaching out only makes things worse. Even among loved ones I'm an outcast.
"James just won't conform." I can't conform to everything...I'm only one person.
"He has an obvious problem with authority." Authority has a problem with me.
"As smart as he is he acts as if he has no mind...he won't even try." What's the point?
"I don't understand him, he won't open up...I can't teach him." You're one of the few fools who've tried.
"Mrs. Marshall...give up. There's no hope. This one's a dud." I agree.
"He says what he thinks I want to hear. He's always thinking of a solution. Maybe his focus should be math." I hate math.
"He's disturbed. He even depresses ME!" Then why'd you inquire? Why didn't you just watch me die?
"He's an ass, Mrs. Marshall. Excuse my language. He's impossible." You should've continued to ignore me. I was fine in my corner not being acknowledged.
"Someone's going to put him out of his misery one day..." They've tried and failed. Even I can't accomplish that and I'm with me all the time.
"He lies..." You refuse to accept the truth. What's left to give you but a lie?
"Is he some kinda introvert?!" It doesn't matter. You'll turn your back like everyone else...some day...
"He's either really intelligent or really condescending. I don't like how he talks to others." This is why I don't speak. I wish I didn't have a voice.
"Jay...you're really smart but...you intimidate people. You remind most folks that they aren't as smart as you." How?! Why can't be ordinary?!
Why can't I be like you?! How is that I can't be just a regular person?! Why do I have to be miserable all the time? I can't communicate no matter how many words I can spell, define, and apply proper use to. This life sucks! No one trusts me, my decisions all backfire, and as soon as I figure it all out a group of deranged scientists want to destroy the world! I've wasted all 26 years of my life just trying to find a place in this world. I've watched every moment of my time be a curse to my mother. I've tried to rid you all of myself and I'm still here.
You don't fucking know me!
You all expect me to express my thoughts and feelings while gagging me. Then you expect me to break free of my restraints to express myself! How can I?! You don't give me a chance to satisfy either request! When I curl up in my corner and don't move I'm still wrong! I'm always the bad guy!
I have these seizures and these nightmares, I can't sleep. I'm a fucking insomniac. I can't bear to stay awake because I feel like I'm still dreaming! I'm surrounded by liars, cheats, bums, and brutes. I can't be civil without causing a problem with the few civilized people I encounter. My opposing view always spawns a negative emotional reaction, nothing I say is never received the way I said it even when you stare into my mouth!
I'm making excuses! I'm condescending! I'm too smart for my own good! I have a bad attitude! I can't conform! I'm too vocal! I'm too quiet! I'm vindictive! Everyone seems to be able to percieve a problem and none of you are able to indicate what that problem is!
I'm not ANY of those things! The problem with ME is that I'm constantly misunderstood! The problem with ME is that I don't have anywhere to go in this world! The problem with ME is that I don't want to be here and I can't seem to die so I don't have to be! The problem with ME is that I hate you people but I can't stop loving you! The problem with ME is that I feel alone even when I'm drowning in waves of people! The problem with ME is that I feel the world would be a better if I had never been born! I lament my own existence and you analysts can't even figure it out!
Most of you haven't seen a case like mine. Can someone truly go beyond being suicidal? Can someone be THAT miserable? I ruin everything I interact with! I can't use a word without breaking someone's heart, I can't want something for myself without the entire word crashing down around me! I want to destroy myself but I'm not strong enough to lift the world onto my own chest! Even worse is the only man with the hart to have helped me is dead because YOU people killed him!
I can't just be happily in love, I'm an asshole. I can't relate or compromise without being self centered. I can't have a normal relationship with my mom without being told how much I hate her. I can't have a father to guide me because his decisions in his youth killed him in his middle age. I can't interact with crowds without being looked at as a social cancer. I can't do anything right! I can't even EAT without causing some sort of disturbance! YOU tell me why I should fucking be here! I challenge any one of you fuckers out there to figure that one out!
Stephen Hawking? James Woods? Marilyn vos Savant? Bobby Fischer? Kim Ung-yong? Dr. Phil at least?! Nothing? God??? (Laughing my fucking ass of) God is the most reserved on the list! I won't even HOPE for answer even though I'm sure It knows. God is probably enjoying me trying to figure out how to either be somewhat comfortable or crack the Omega Code surrounding me and finally fade to black! How's that for irony?! The most gracious and most merciful won't have mercy on lil' ol' me!
Maybe I'm insane with grief. Even as I type this entry I can't relax. My senses are so highly tuned when I'm this wired I can feel my brain seizing! I know I'm going to have a rough night and I don't even care! My chest is tight, my breaths are shallow, my head is beginning to spin and throb like crazy...nope, not going to stop me from finally clearing my mind. As matter of fact, I think a few of those zinc tablets will help me stop shaking for the moment. I really shouldn't have more than one as one is a fully daily dose, but, because I'm not likely to die anyway and I'm REALLY shaky, why not pop three?
Furthermore...my music...why am I even doing it? So much talent and passion...but the more I pursue it the greater the loss of my individuality. Not a single person in my life thinks I'm more than any other emcee out there. What worse is it MUST be expressed as a concern to me. These are what your concerns sound like to me, "James, I don't trust you to make this move without hurting me." Did you get that? Were you able to read that without being offended? Did I compress all of my thoughts and feelins enough to fit into that thought without leaving anything out? Was it short enough to hold your attention without causing you to read it wrong or feel I'm being a douche?
Have I upset myself enough to show you people I care? Have I exposed myself enough to make you less ashamed of me though I'm now completely ashamed of myself? Have I shed enough tears for you tonight? Have I thrown away enough of my dreams for you? Have I cleared everything up yet? Have I left you with any questions?!
Oh, but don't get me wrong, I don't want your pity. Don't feel bad for me. No. I've placed myself on the torture rack once again in hopes that you'll, at the very least, accept me.
My siblings...don't betray me anymore...
Mom...I don't hate you and never did...
Ryan...I'm sorry I've put you in the middle of this shit with me...
My other friends...just answer the phone. Please...
Ron...I CAN'T respect you. You turned your back on me...
My enemies...I understand...
My other half...I'm sorry I'm this way...
Myself...I hate you. You're God's only mistake...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Hell On Earth
I've reached the conclusion that American people are stupid...
Honestly, normally I try to censor myself but I don't even care anymore. If I get flagged...well...fuck it. *Kanye shrug*
I've been learning about the US oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico and thinking, "God! How stupidly greedy can we be?!" As dangerous as oil is to the ecosystem, we keep going after it because we have no regard for our own futures. This is absolutely insane! Why do American zeitgeists have this crazy idea that the US is God's country? As wicked as American society is, I haven't the slightest clue.
Why would any God [that I'd believe in] bless a country that is on a collision course with the ill fate of destroying the planet? We over consume [Gluttony...a deadly sin], are arrogant as hell [Great pride...another deadly sin], and have a murderous mindset [That violates one of the 10 Commandments]. I say unto you, oh Christian States of America, what of your God ordained nation now?
How are we fighting a "war against terrorism" with the usage OF terrorism? It's not even counter-terrorism because we started the problem to begin with...over oil! This gooey black substance that burns a hole in the Ozone Layer, world society, and our pockets. What happens when the oil runs out [Oh, stop! That'll never happen, Jay!!!]? Oh, but it can and will, Mr. Marshall! We're fighting to preserve our oil reserves as we speak. What do you think the Persian Gulf War was about [*ahem* Armed conflict...]? You continue to call it than when you're drafted and sent to disarm roadside bombs in Iraq [...]. And so ends your story.
Nick! Have you anything to add [No, sir...]?!
Furthermore, if oil doesn't kill us, a group of California scientists will! In April CNN published an article about the world's largest laser possibly solving the Earth's energy crisis. Factually, there isn't an energy crisis, people like US citizens over consume and drain the reserves. If that isn't enough, we're all also too lazy (or stupid)--[Or both...] Nick... [...]--to do the work required to produce more energy. I figured the LEAST we could do is try to conserve some, but hey, what do I know? I'm just a stupid black kid that likes to rap...
This is when some idiot is going to chime in and say, "We got to pray just to make it today," thinking all will be better if we place free human choice in God's hands. Keep in mind, this is the same being that gave us totally free will to begin with...I'm sorry I'm not as optimistic as you; I just prefer to use logic in situations like this. That and I'm also a cynic...so sue me.
I really don't think prayer is going to solve anything at this rate. We're on our own now as we've got to battle with the wills of other idiots. As rich as this planet is in hydrogen and oxygen (water when they're together), I just can't fathom how someone would consider this a good idea. If this mini star will consume hydrogen and is surrounded by hydrogen in the air around it, what will stop all of those combustable atoms and molecules from burning and fueling the reaction? Maybe this question is completely irrelevant to these people...actually, it is.
Should we entrust this solar system to a group of people who have forgotten basic chemistry? I think not. Some people want to make a name for themselves, or die trying, and we just turn a blind eye as they TELL us, "Hey, for the sake of just seeing if we can do it, we're going to destroy the entire solar system. Want in?" And the Congress says, "Yeah! I'll take a piece of that."
Let's look at this logically, please.
1. You can't possibly measure the surface temperature of the sun accurately. You've only made up high ass numbers and accepted them as true, then plugged them into a shit load of devices that continue to lie for you for the sake of your reputation.
2. If you can't get close enough to measure the surface temperature of the sun, there's no possible way for you to get inside it to measure the temperature of its core. Face it, you have no idea what you're doing or talking about.
3. The sun is far as fuck away from us for a reason! Life can't bloom on Mercury and Venus for that same reason! We couldn't get closer than Mercury because of the immense heat and gravity quirks...funny thing is, even Mercury is too hot to land on.
4. Considering what's true from point 3, how the FUCK can someone produce shielding powerful enough to withstand the heat of a cosmic entity designed to adequately heat a planet [presumably] 93 million miles away?! It would be more logically sound to do it on the moon where there is far less fuel for the star to consume.
5. The best way to solve an "energy crisis" is to use limitless energy sources while cutting back consumption...or at LEAST developing more energy efficient devices. Build more kinetic generators that rely on wind. We have plenty of wind...more fans should equal more output of the generator. How about solar energy? Ever thought of advancing that technology? You can power houses with a roof made of weather resistant solar paneling. Imagine an entire neighborhood with such...why...we could more than half our consumption! Eureka!
No, instead of considering these 5 GOOD points, they'd rather blow several billion dollars on the one bad idea..."LET'S CREATE A STAR!!!" This is what my tax money pays for, huh? Destroying me in the fastest and most painful way possible, right? Are you fucking kidding me?!
We're headed to hell in a hand basket while speeding in the express lane with no traffic cops...
*sigh* My mind is mad deep, and you've just jumped in. And I [can't swim] am right behind you.
Please help me petition this! We MUST appeal to Congress to reverse their decision to permit this experiment and dismantle that God forsaken laser:
Laser that will destroy us all
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I Am My Brother's Keeper
You all knew it was coming...don't even begin to pretend you weren't aware of a continuation. My brothers, my sights have returned to the centers of your foreheads. In previous updates I would speak on you subliminally, secretly chin checking you for being the manipulative bastards you are. I tired of carrying on as if women couldn't be douchebags too, but the new phase is over...and my focus has returned.
You narcicistic, ego-maniacal, narrow minded, and prejudiced little boys who don't have the strength of character to take someone seriously. Always playing with and jeering the delicate creatures we can't stop complaining about because you play the game until you burn out the cartridge. You beat them, talk to them like sh!t, give them diseases, leave them alone with children, abandon them as children, lie to them, and treat them as inferiors. You carry out such destructive behavior without even bothering to learn who they really are.
I understand they aren't perfect and neither are we. The few of us with some decency catch the short end of the stick because the @ssholes ruin it for everyone. Still I wonder how you win every time. You get the girl in public while I have to clean up after you when I get the butt cheeks behind closed doors. I get tired of putting a woman back together again after you've broken her to pieces! Did you ever think we might actually LIKE the girls you take advantage of?! That we'd fancy a relationship if she would still be willing?! No, you didn't! We, instead, get the tattered leftovers you can do no more with than momentarily enjoy...
It doesn't just end with the way you treat women either, no, you'll treat your brother the same. You'll leave him stranded 1800 miles from home in a thunderstorm while he's ill, you'll pressure him into doing something he's wise enough to have apprehensions about, you'll forget your debts to him the moment he needs you and, worse yet, dare to declare he owes you for your valiant deeds. You'll play war games with his life as the barter...you aren't men...you aren't even human.
As if that retarded college girl's mind is any more feeble than your own...you're just used to it. She has to adapt to being stupid while you already profess the field. You constantly play a risky game she's only just joined to test the waters, yet you swarm and abuse the newb. How cowardice is that? I may have asked her a simple question, considering how simple her mind is now, but, for the life of me, I can't fathom a simple enough question for you all [men] to answer. I feel like I'm trapped in a country full of headbangers who snort rock salt, drink bleach, pop rat poison, and smoke pine needles.
The most depressing part is there isn't even a bright side to consider...
I'm too frustrated to continue. People...the reasons why I'm a recluse...
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I Don't Believe In Love
Women kill me. I don't know what exactly made me randomly decide to b!tch bash but I feel a change in tone is due. Usually I spend large amounts of time complaining about society, money, depression, politics, morons, and religious bullsh!t but today won't be the same. No, today is about selfish sluts, two-faced tramps, cheating cun+s, and shady skeezers...the whole thing....
You know, I get tired of women blaming men for absolutely everything. Listen, b!tch, you're an adult...think for yourself and accept responsibility for your own actions or lack thereof. I constantly read drawn out status updates, tweets, and blog posts about some lonely college girl who can't find a good man and is sick of all the games. Simple rhetorical question to a simple minded female, why the fu©k do you keep playing the games then???
It's so stupid to rush into a full blown devoted and monogomous commitment with someone you just met and had sex with yesterday. You wake up kissing all over him with horrible morning breath and calling him your baby, watching him sleep, cooking him breakfast, buying him gifts, calling him all day every day...are you serious?! In your rash attempts to not be branded a slore you've completely smothered a man into a relationship he didn't want because you want to erase your one night stand by fabricating some sort of sentiment around the memory. Then, after he's fed up, given you more of his life than he was willing in the first place, and leaves you HE'S the criminal!
Let's all be of mature mind here. We're all adults and are capable of making our own decisions. It's not like he hypnotized you, no, you WANTED to screw him! You can't change the rules after you've already started playing the game! It's even less fair to bash him over what you did to yourself! It's obvious you need to stop drinking, stop doing drugs, learn to control your sexual impulses, or any combination of the above.
I'm a 26 year old man who hasn't had intercourse or even mutual masturbation with a partner in 10 months. Why do I have the honor of being included in your over generalized "Man Bash Revolutions?" I didn't have anything to do with you idiots making insanely stupid decisions with your bodies and hard earned belongings at all for almost a solid year! That's grossly unfair for me to have to endure having my pride and dignity stripped too. It took a lot of discipline to accomplish that given the stage of life I've entered. Besides, I was never one of those types of guys anyway, I preferred to play the background and get the butt cheeks on the low. I was always about the fair exchange.
Let's not even get started on the manipulators; those who lure a good man into the monogomy he THOUGHT he was looking for, move in and trap him at home with her intense jealousy, and as soon as he leaves for work is sleeping with the entire city IN HIS bed! Get real! Oh! Then there are the skanks who make sure to bang all his friends better than and more often than she sleeps with her man.
What about the broads who can't hold water? Tell her about a fetish and all her friends are making inside jokes about you when you walk by...give her a sip of water and watch her pee her pants. That's an extremely accurate and fair analogy. Not to say men are innocent, no, I'm the only innocent one. I'm saying, with myself as an exception, both parties are just as guilty, however, this is about these God forsaken and backward felines cowering behind excuses for themselves.
What kind gutter cun+ ©um dumpster has group sex (1-on-6) with the neighborhood assasin squad, without protection, spreads the resulting diseases to subsequent poor perverts who genuinely adore her, blames THAT guy when she get's caught up, traps him with a baby that isn't his, and robs him for child support for 18 years?! Even better question, how the hell did SHE come out the victor?! This society is truly messed up.
The jerk get's all the booty, the good guy get's his life ruined, and the she-demon reaps the reward. If I didn't love them so much I'd hate women. I've been happier alone than I ever have been with a lover.
This has been a public service announcement. That is all.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I Am God
The other day I was in a chatroom participating in a trending topic. The topic was: I remember. We flooded the room with things we remembered from "back in the day," everything from popular Kool-Aid flavors to kindergarten crushes. We randomly threw sweet old recollections at each other for more than 2 hours. The sentiment flowed rapidly from each handset almost as if we were in one enormous conference call with old friends...though we were all strangers. My thoughts became solemn and I suddenly exited the chat.
What were my thoughts [Obviously bitter...]? Yes, Nick, extremely bitter [Figures...]. As expected of you, Mr. Marshall, welcome back. My thoughts were of the bright side of my younger years [As if you're that old...] [He is! Hahahahaha!!!]. Quiet! Both of you! This is serious [...] [...]! The memories, only bitter due to the loss of the experience, once seemed so far away...how quickly they came back to haunt me.
I remembered a better time, a time when people relied heavily on one another. I remembered my strength, my greatest attributes which had revealed themselves in the Spring of my youth. I had remembered when people believed in me. Just the thought of another trusting in my abilities pains me these days. I had become accustomed to being alone and having no one even notice I exist.
At some point in my early life I could do absolutely anything. My genius only intimidated other geniuses around me. I was Mr. Unlimited Potential...and, trust me, it was entirely true. I had a mind for anything, a talent to match, and enough life experience to shame these Hip-Hop posers before I turned 11. The sky was the limit though I aimed to fly beyond the very boundries of the cosmos themselves.
In spite of my many talents and high IQ I was just another victim of poverty. My family never had much money and those who were fortunate enough to earn substantial amounts became estranged soon after. With heavy violent, drug related, and gang activities surrounding me I was doomed to suffer through a troubled life. Constantly abused, stolen from, and cheated...not enough money to eat at times...we struggled considerably. It's always the same story, right?
If you assume this is the same story you're wrong. This isn't the trademark response you receive from other artists who fabricate their lives. I went to good schools until I reached high school, I joined organizations to stay out of trouble, I traveled, I studied, and tried to socialize with the most positive influences I could find. I craved a better life despite my circumstances. I ran into trouble often though I worked exceptionally hard to keep the news from falling on the ears of those I held dear. I was truly a troubled youth but not a problematic one...although I was profiled as such.
Finally, after so much conflict and falling deeper into delinquincy regardless of my efforts not to, I broke. I couldn't take anymore. Someone once had the audacity to tell me I make excuses for others like me, that we encountered what we experienced by choice, that we weren't strong or responsible enough to utilize our other options. She told me we don't and would not amount to anything because our wills were/are weak. I spoke on this blindly self-centered young lady before with more ambiguity in an earlier update...she couldn't have been more wrong.
She didn't have to endure the same problems or think her way through the same situations, she wasn't surrounded by the same people or raised in the same environment as I, she knows nothing of real strife. She caught a lucky break and moved away from poverty, her lack of open perception and maturity causing her to shut out the truth of the world around her. Her great arrogance and stupidly blind faith causing her to make irrational and prejudiced judgements about the "havenots" she fails to properly understand or even acknowledge as people.
People like said individual are whom I am referring when I speak of people believing in myself and others. Had I not given my all, would I be so well spoken? Would I have moved from those neighborhoods if I weren't exercising all my options? Could I control losing the only male role model I had been given to follow at an early age? Is it MY fault the rest of society is so sorry? Am I able to change the hearts and minds of wicked politicians, abusive parents, gang bangers, bullies, prostitutes, hoodrats, and posers? Can I teach a self-proclaimed prophet or open that leader to other findings beneficial to his/her quest to find the true path of righteousness? Can I teach said prophet what they preach about is essentially wrong as it doesn't literally and/or logically follow the literature before them? I cannot!
Believe me, I've tried. Why do you think I write these words? I can't control who refuses to read them. I make jokes to brighten my mood because my depression is spawned by the poor state of the world around me. I stand alone amongst billions and fight a great war by myself. Those I once called comrades all fallen or defected, taking up arms with the enemy. People fight a devil that exists only in their imaginations whilst I battle a great demon that exists in the flesh of other human beings...and even my own.
I see the wretched creature for what it is and not for what everyone wishes it to be. Because of this I am bound, gagged, beaten, and persecuted for my sight and my vision; exiled for my knowledge. I'm tormented by lonliness as others view my very existence as taboo. All my attempts have been thwarted by the devil hiding within the people who've been fooled into believing they're winning the battle against it. In truth, they only protect it. Flattering a disgusted God and singing songs in an asylum will not destroy a being that may conference with God whenever it so chooses (laughs). Such foolishness!
If that were true, heretics and murderers wouldn't continue to be what they are outside of the sanctuary. If that were true, that holy water would boil the flesh of all who receive it and that palm oil would seep into their pores and melt their brains. Singing compliments shall not be your salvation. Trusting in those God has placed in your life is true faith. Real faith is not blind, logically speaking, it can't be. The fact anything exists at all is evidence of that. You tell me, "Just pray and be patient, God will pull you through." I call you an idiot because you have everything I need yet you stand before me and deny me access to it. My prayers were answered the day you were born and your way of thinking has completely contradicted your whole purpose for being.
People would rather run around with their own imaginary image of God instead of accepting what God really is...life. God is literally everything. And even as I believe in everything...no one allows anything to believe in me.
I remember a time when people believed in me...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Addiction
The end of Day 12 is the start of Day 13. I find myself doing as I've become accustomed to doing every single day and night...working out. I've had no days of rest...and my mind wanders endlessly as I attempt to relax. I can't sleep and my meals have become smaller, yet, more frequent. My only distraction is interaction with other people.
My muscles are swollen and sore. My hair has grown longer and stronger. My skin has begun to clear up and my vision is sharpened. I hear more and feel more. My senses have fully awakened, bringing the darkest depths of my mind to life. Yes, when I'm in this torturous world of toil and exertion my thoughts fly free.
Suddenly the world around me no longer matters. I forget I even exist in it...or that it exists around me. All I may observe is within the confines of this room.
My efforts thwart the feelings of loneliness. I'm too busy focusing all of my energy on the single goal I've set for these times. To forget. Not to forget as in allowing a memory to slip from the front of my mind, no. To forget as in to hide. The shame, the guilt, the regret, the frustration, the exhaustion, the restlessness, and the pain of my situation. To hide from it all.
As the testosterone and adrenaline course through my veins, filling me with burning vigor, I experience a high. A high I prefer as much as, if not more than, an orgasm. Moving to my own rhythmn, watching the light dance off my chocolate skin, feeling each muscle ache and throb; this is what true pleasure is.
Falling short of breath as my heart races, pumping the essence of my life into every part of my body, while the window permits the gentle breeze to caress my frame. The goosebumps trail down my back...guiding the sweat. Every gust causing my hot body to tense up in ecstacy. I've never had an experience this good.
Finally it ends and I must leave it for now. I can barely move but my treacherous impulses have taken full control. I'm compelled to tie my hair as I step into the bathroom and look into the mirror...into the eyes of an infidel. I approach the bath tub and turn on the warm water. A slave to my desires, I step in and enjoy how it envelopes me.
The water dances over my chest and arms. Branching into fingers it runs down my spent abs like the fingers of a lover. Lower...lower...comforting me, appreciating me. It turns me on. The stronger I get, the weaker I feel. I can't resist. I'm in agony but I've fallen too deep to stop. So, I close my eyes and just...feel.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
New Workout Plan
Oh, sweet misery, how I adore thee [What the fu©k, Inf???]...Shut up, Nick. I don't recall asking your opinion [Don't be such a d!ck...]. Mr. Marshall, you're rather forward this morning, aren't you? I guess it's about time you've returned from your shell [...]. Oh? You have nothing to say [...]? Silence seems to be a befitting new characteristic of yours...I like it [Go to hell...] [Hahahahaha!!!]! After you, kind sir.
I've done some research...I can't believe how much I enjoy ridiculing the spiritual but foolishly religious. I don't see why all this religious bullsh!t came to be. What happened to simply believing in God? Every coward on Earth blindly follows some new heretic crying outloud about the end being near and proclaiming himself a prophet of the Lord thy God. Sad if you ask me [Except nobody asked you...]. Mr. Marshall [Hahahahaha!!!]!
I remember a discussion about sexual sins and my perspective being frowned upon. What I challenged the bitter, young man to do was to prove me wrong...to find some tangible evidence to falsify my argument. Do you think he was capable of doing so? Of course you do, however, he gravely disappointed you. Without going into too much detail, prior to shifting our focus, he asked me if I thought sodomy was excusable. I told him no, prompting him to ask me how if my views of sex were so forgiving. I simply explained that sodomy was rape and an unacceptable perversion.
Did you know Sodom was a real city? Even more interesting was the disappearance of that city and the reason why. Sodomy was named for that city and for the criminal sexual act popularized by the citizens of that city. No, it was not homosexuality, God did not destroy the city because of those lovers of the same gender. Two (or three) angels were faced with the threat of being raped by the citizens.
"Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, that we may know them."
The phraseology of the request leads us to believe the people of Sodom were requesting to have sex with the angels. However, this is only half correct. The sex was to be forced and the partners were to be many as every citizen outside of Lot and his family were present for the planned act. The angels had no intentions of engaging in intercourse. Thusly, God destroyed the city. What those "well versed" in the Word fail to notice is that God also destroyed another town for the rape of a woman.
This is easy to understand people. A town planned to rape the men who visited Lot. This town was already wicked, anyone see the attempted rape of angels as the last straw? In the Book of Judges another town was destroyed when the town raped a woman. Read it yourself, folks. It looks like those prejudiced, overzealous, idiotic, self proclaimed prophets have mislead you for years.
Many of you don't see why my attitude toward Christian practices is unfavorable. You don't understand my purpose. You think all I do is bitterly pick apart the teachings of the churches and ruin other peoples' beliefs. You're wrong. I am protecting you from these religion selling pimps. I am protecting you from the same suffering I endure. I listened to them and did as they taught me. My life is ruined and all they have to say to me when I go to them for help is that maybe I don't have God's favor. I do this because I'm miserable and I hate my life.
I've become an adult and I'm responsible for my own actions or lack thereof. I can't blame the Pastor for his/her teachings when I could study these things myself. That said, I set out to fix all I can. But the memories, the bad karma, the pitiful environment, my dashed dreams won't stop haunting me. My nightmares manifest in my sleep and become real when I wake and start my day.
My solution? I close my eyes and force it all away! I lay on my floor and work my @ss off! I don't face it anymore because I feel it is too big for me to topple. That's not the result of having no favor from God because the wills of men are free! It's the result of the wicked souls of men, the judgemental and hateful minds of other people! So I exercise until I collapse. I admit it...I have a problem. I'm addicted to the rush of testosterone and adrenaline in my system, I'm a junkie, a fiend. I need it, it turns me on.
I may stop writing as long as I get my fix...I may stop eating as long as I get my fix. I may stop reading to get my fix or even stop breathing for it! Onlookers see me as a man looking to get back into shape...they're wrong. I workout up to three times each day, I never take a day of rest, I tear my hair out when I'm too occupied to start again. I eat vitamins like they're M&Ms, guzzle water like ale, and let the water from my shower make love to my sore muscles.
Even when I'm in pain I push through my workout. I con myself into believing I'm satisfied though I have every intention of working harder. I'm spiraling out of control as the nicotine and alcohol conquer me, causing me to punish myself further. I want to talk but I have no voice, I want to cry but I have no tears...I want an outlet but the walls have no doors...no windows...no vents. Imprisoned in my own mind by this corrupted society governed by these Christian warmongers, these false prophets, these racists, and these spiteful women.
My fellow man will hang me...my female counterpart will shame me...and this world is breaking me. So I workout...alone, in the dark; lamenting, hiding, and hating. I promise myself I'll get stronger though I know I'm only avoiding the disgusting world that beckons me. That's why this matters. If I don't speak, no one else will.
Then it's back to my lonely workout...
Please...help me.
Sodomy is rape, not homosexual or anal sex.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dante's Inferno
So I've played a demo of the recently released Dante's Inferno and I must say...I'm speechless [To say the least...]. Hmm, that voice sounded vaguely familiar [I'm offended, Inf...]. Nick [Yes...]? Wow! How the fu©k did you get there [Where???]? That's not important, just tell me how [I don't know...]. Well, you're an awful lot of help [Hahahahaha!!!]! Stop laughing [... ... ...]! Unlike Mr. Marshall, you at least, know your place [Bite me, Inf...] [Me too, jack@ss...]. You're double-teaming me?! That's low!
I was on PSN playing Modern Warfare II last night kicking some @ss while simultaneously getting my @ss kicked [Because Sony fails...]. That's unlike you, Mr. Marshall [Because I'm not Mr. Marshall...]. Figures [Someone call me???]. Lord, help me! You guys need a way for me to tell you two apart [How about bells???]! Not your best guess, Mr. Marshall [Okay, I have an idea...]. Yes, Nick [You think in words anyway, so how about color coding???]? Brilliant! Mr. Marshall, why do I even keep you around [... ... ...] [Hahahahaha!!!]?!
Okay, so I played Tekken 6 with a few guys from my building yesterday and it was a magnificent--[Wait, weren't you supposed to review Dante's Inferno???]...Yes! Dante's Inferno [Hahahahaha!!!]! Don't laugh at my expense, young man [... ... ...] [I hate you both...]. I don't recall speaking to you, Mr. Marshall [... ... ...]. Deterring from the topic of discussion...AGAIN, Nick will be in orange and Mr. Marshall will be in blue [I'm not a pumpkin...]. I didn't offer you a choice [... ... ...] [Hahahahaha!!!].
So, Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Storm--[Dante's Inferno...]...Damn. Thank you, Mr. Marshall [For what???]. For correcting me--[You can't even remember what color you made me?!!]...I apologize [You're not forgiven...] [Hahahahaha!!!]. This isn't going very well...at all. Maybe I'm not getting enough rest. I have been up until after 7 am the last few days. I really need to change my sleeping habits.
Anyway, Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo: HD Remix--[Idiot...] [Hahahahaha!!!]...Again [Dante's Inferno, Jay...]?! *sigh* Dante's Inferno...geez! I wish I would stop doing that! You two are going to have to be quiet for a while [... ... ...] [... ... ...]. Thank you.
The poem Dante's Inferno was something I've never had the pleasure of reading, however, many of my peers have given it high ratings. The game Dante's Inferno seems to simply be an exploitation of Christian Templars. Based on his uniform and the timeline of the game, Dante is obviously a Templar from the crusades. This is wrong already. To produce a religiously biased game for children of other faiths to get ahold of is grossly irresponsible. If the Jewish people made a game and introduced it to the mass media market the other religious sects would explode with fury. The Muslim people would suffer the same fate as well as the Buddhists, etc.
Yes, I do believe in freedom of expression but the makers of this game have taken advantage of a prejudice. If no one else is allowed to do it, you shouldn't be allowed to either. I have a sour taste in my mouth just thinking about a specific faith invading the homes of others uninvited for the sake of turning a profit. Am I really wrong for addressing the influx of spiritual hustlers selling religion when THIS just happened?!
The controls are responsive and pretty accurate though, I have no complaint there. The graphics are wonderful though the female forms are a little polygonal. Visually this game is wonderful. I can honestly say I loved the camera angles, use of colors, and rich and animated environments. The concept of expanding your moveset with a tree of abilities is great too. You have the ability to customize your Dante to best suit your play style making certain sticky situations...well...less sticky.
Other than that, this game is God of War with a Christian zeitgeist spin. Zeus lightingbolts = Crucifix projectiles. Even the air combo system is the same...and the controller set up. Because I'm an avid God of War fan I found this game, including traps/puzzles and foes, very easy to conquer. To be honest, not very much of this game was original at all save the customizable moveset.
Making the types of moves you learn reliant upon the decisions you make in the game [Good or evil...] was conceptualized by the makers of the Fable series. Even the story, by description, sticks heavily to the script produced by the poem. Keep in mind I am only going off what I've heard from my peers when I refer to the poem.
Overall: Hit it, quit it, forget it. 6/10 stars
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Christ vs Christians
People kill me. I can't believe how many double standards I encounter each day. You have people making statements they don't even believe themselves, people who have no respect for others but manage to muster the audacity to demand it. Yes, modern Christian, I'm talking about you [Again...].
It took me years to learn what my Atheistic friend was trying to teach me. He may not have used all the correct terms or quotes, but his point remained valid in spite of my protests. Christians are destroying this world. This group of people simply refuses to live like Christ [Hence the title CHRIST-ian...] while also refusing to accept the truths of their follies.
As a matter of fact, they refuse to accept many truths all together. For example, many of them refuse to have sex believing it to be disgusting and wicked...abominable. However, sex is necessary in order to reproduce and those same people enjoy the company of the babies born of those sexual acts. If every human became Mother Teresa we'd be extinct [Brutal truth...] because God's ordinance was for us to bear fruit ourselves [That's why we have sexual organs...].
They also refuse to accept Christ and God are two separate entities. Their argument is Christ being the voice of God, thus a representative of God's power, makes him God. That logic is flawed at its very root. I'm an older brother and the voice of my parents. My parents speak and I see to it their will is done. That doesn't make me the parent at all. Christ is also the liason between God and ourselves [Big brother...], to be sent on a recon mission to recover us [Big brother...], and has been recorded carrying out two activities that PROVE the belief that Christ IS God wrong.
For fear of God turning my phone into a hydrogen bomb in my hands [That's not a joke...but it is funny...], I will not cite those scriptures. I assure you, however, any fool capable of reading these words verbatim can see these things right there in that Christian bible [If you can find a version that isn't corrupt...].
Book of Genisis - God spoke as a unity and not an individual
"'Now, WE shall create man in OUR image,' And so, God created male AND female and saw it was very good." The Mormons [Christians...] noticed this and rationalized that God obviously has a wife. Based on the phraseology of these scriptures I agree. This group of Christians were then nearly destroyed by those they call brethren.
"History is written by the victor." - Winston Churchill
Obviously history is full of liars. More truth is revealed each day exposing these liars for what they were and will forever be. Many of those people were either Christian Templars or Christian royalty. Faith doesn't produce skill...dedication does. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean it was ordained by God, the REASON you are might be, however, but that's a discussion for a later date.
Templars started off defending pilgrims after taking the holy land surrounding the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem. They've manipulated history by justifying the siege with the appearances of thieves and rebels. The truth is they took a holy land which didn't belong to them and suffered the consequences of those actions at the hands of other more deceptive men [King Philip IV of France...]. I'm speaking of the crusades, people.
The Templars invented banking to provide safe travel for the pilgrims they protected. These citizens would deposit their valuables and receive a waver prior to traveling. Once they reached their respective destinations they were able to withdraw their funds and enjoy their time abroad. This marked the birth of the traveler's check, meaning, even nowadays the Templars are not dead.
Even though they faced defeat in physical and political battles for nearly a century they persevered and gained control of domestic and even foreign banking services for centuries. That being said, they still managed a victory and wrote their own truth in the history books. They were born of the Vatican [Catholic, also Christians...] in Italy, a country formerly ruled by Constantine I hundreds of years before. I don't think I need to continue with that piece of history.
The thing I find most intriguing is the Christian King James bible doesn't maintain consistency with proven human historical facts. I also find it interesting how many people will disagree with these facts and the evidence to substantiate them, calling them lies created by evil men to destroy Christianity. The truth is they WERE created by evil men to destroy freedom of spirituality. The Christian concept is a wonderful fairytale, however, God created a real world with real people. It's not your place to rule over and manipulate the wills and experiences of other people.
What your chosen ignorance prevents you from knowing is that King James was a perverted adulterer. He had a wife and 2 mistresses and still cheated on them all. He also had affairs with other men and had a bad habit of imposing conformity on other Christian peoples. He retranslated the bible for the sake of forcing the ideal of divine right to rule as king on those who fell within the boundries of his kingdom. So, I charge you, why should I study and believe the words of someone who's motive was to dominate the people without following his own example?
It seems, to me, that Christians have a long history of manipulating God's word to tip the scale in their favor. Actually, the only GOOD Christians are crucified for being what they are...good Christians. The rest attend super churches for financial gain and pay their religious leaders to give them a good show every Sunday [Which isn't even the Sabbath...].
Christians make strides to dominate this world and somehow only make it worse. There's always a war, a cover up, a terrorist, a rumor, prejudism, halts in scientific development, and control issues. When is enough enough? If a woman is raped by her brother and forced to conceive a child she didn't want, why shouldn't she have the option to end the baby's suffering before it even starts? You call it murder but I call it compassion. That child has to be an abomination and face unimaginable hardships its entire life. Its blood will be cursed by the sins of its father and other people will shun it from society. The child will only have God and lament as it ages. Is that fair? Should that child be cheated out of a good shot at life?
Why should the mother have to face that horrible memory for the rest of her life? She wasn't given an option and still isn't offered one, that isn't love! That isn't what a God, I'd serve, would will on anyone! That's ridiculous! That's foolishness! That type of twisted logic is what causes so many people to choose a life without any faith at all.
To crucify a man without faith who has endured years of misdirection is not fair. In essence he's merely a martyr of today's society [A victim...]. He's a walking example of what happens to people who've had their channels to God cut off...a symbol of oppression. It's not his fault and he shouldn't have to figure it out himself. Making such criticisms of his character should be frowned upon especially when you have no knowledge of his or his family's background. It isn't an excuse it's a beseechment. This man is asking for guidance.
He drinks and does drugs to escape reality, he commits crimes to have a meal or to lash out against a prejudiced society, his words express his misery, and his attitude displays his lack of motivation. He's broken by his circumstances and fighting an entire world alone. No one cares for his well being, no one sheds tears for his sorrow, no one teaches him what he hasn't yet learned, and no one supports him when he has fallen. This young man is a product of the world he's lost in. This is the black man.
The black man has an illness and I seek to cure it...I once had this illness. When others ignore him I shall reach for him and pull him from the depths of the depression he's drowning in. When he speaks in ignorance I shall silence him and teach him what he does not know. When all others betray him I shall be the only brother to fight alongside him. I shall carry out the will of Christ and Muhammad and be his brother in the name of God and make him a king fit for any queen he chooses. I will destroy his jealousy and make him my equal. I will make him a man.
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in. Rest your burden on me, you may cry now.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Mark of the Beast
I probably shouldn't blog under the influence but I'm going to give it a shot anyway (laughs) [Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...]. My troll is on point tonight. I am nice and tipsy and in the mood to share a few thoughts. My life is in shambles and, even worse, God has thwarted my attempt at crushing another proclaimed Christian man. Yes, I have allowed my compulsive thinking and behavior to get the best of me. Fortunately my computer crashed and God intervened, wiping my entire entry from my cache, thus preventing me from posting it [Apparently we use our understanding to bully the bullies...].
I'm not exactly sure if that was politically correct but I don't care. I'd much rather be ostracized for telling the truth than die a liar. Did you know Templars were real and even Christians hated other Christians? Wow, that was random...as hell. I shouldn't have said that for I may anger God for my disobedience. They, meaning Yahweh, are probably running out of patience with me as I fail to grasp their point. I really should learn to shut the f*ck up before I get flagged [Oh well...].
The truth is...I'm hateful. I seek to change what I hate rather than destroy it because lying beneath hatred is love. To have a hateful feeling is to maintain some sort of feeling for someone or something though the intended feeling is negatively oriented. The thing is lack of concern is even uglier than hatred. I'd much rather someone care enough to wish bad on me than someone not even acknowledge I exist. That's how it truly feels to be alone and I know that feeling well.
I don't care who reads my blog or is offended by the things I say. I hate most of those individuals anyway. Why shouldn't I? What good have those people been to me? None whatsoever, however, they've been a sh!t load of bad. They're prejudiced and belligerent, they're mean spirited and rude, they're closed minded and disrespectful, and they're just not fun to be around [Ahem...]. Okay, maybe I'm going a little too hard on them [What?! No you aren't!!!]. You're confusing the drunk, Mr. Marshall...
"Sorry!" - Mr. Marshall
I've come to realize how much I'd rather be with God in Heaven. To me, life on Earth is a trial rather than a kindness. To be trapped here with these other...people is - [Inf!!!]...What [Careful...]?! Careful?! Why should I be? They aren't careful, they're cowards! They hide behind they're faith and make excuses for their actions, or lack thereof. They dominate the world and yet thirst for blood and greater power! They sneak, they lie, they cheat, they steal, they destroy, and then swear by God's ordinance their actions are permissible!
Religious bastards are poisoning modern society. I, on the other hand, am spiritual but non religious. I don't follow any particular faith though I try to study them all. I've crushed those spiritually "inclined" and those not inclined to believe in anything. I'm not arrogant though I maintain a sense of pride in my gifted knowledge and understanding. Amazing how defensive and outrageously rude someone becomes when they begin a discussion they can't finish. Suddenly they don't want to talk about it anymore.
This, of course, after they manipulate the texts into what they want them to mean or fall victim to the theoretical bullsh!t spewed by the self proclaimed prophet they hail (in actuality a FALSE prophet) [Called a pastor or any other popular religious leader...]. Religions were created to mislead spiritul cultures and use fear to control the people living within them. They pass judgements on a person's right to live as if they are God though their texts say to let God and ONLY God be the judge.
It's heart breaking to live amongst a people you can't save. It's depressing [I guess hatred in this instance is a natural reaction...]...this world is so weak. Humanity is so far from reaching the next level I can't bear to watch. I just want to sit in a corner and watch the show [Why not join the party???]. No. I don't like dancing with ugly people [Ouch...]!
Hopefully I've offended millions of people this morning. My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in. Minimum IQ 140 to enter the water!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lucky I'm Ready For Love, Music
Honestly, I'm glad I've managed to make it this far but these trying times hardly seem worthy of the effort. It's always easy to say, "Things could always be worse," but you're saying that to an over achiever. I'm a man who thinks things could always be better...if you know the right people [True story...].
I find myself struggling to sleep at night with no one worried about how I'm doing until they hear my voice. However, things tend to get worse before they get better because I'm not good at reaching out. I haven't made any progress with my script because I've been busy working on this Haiti Relief Fund and dealing with problems at work. It seems trouble always follows me to every new location [Like that kid in this comic called 666 Satan...].
I've decided to make a pact with myself...if things haven't progressed by the end of April I will destroy everything and start over. This means the end of my rap career, quitting my job, removing myself from my other businesses, just starting from scratch. Obviously my format isn't working anymore.
I've been out of work since Monday and I'm depressed about it. I should be getting a new job by this weekend [I hope...] which would be more stressful but I'll make good money. It pays to be able to return to reliable employers even IF they make you lose your hair. Truth is, I love them though...in such harsh times they show me I truly do have friends. Not that I have no other friends because I do, I just can't put all my eggs in a single basket.
In other news, my younger blood related brother just got a vehicle. I'd like to say congratulations to Jeffery Marshall, my younger brother whom I'm very proud of. We may not always get along but I still love him all the same. For those who'd like to know, he'll be the first of the litter to finish college and with a degree I might add [no autographs ladies...]. I'd also like to ask all the Google Gurus to please respect his privacy, unless you're offering him a career in law or business and it doesn't involve a pyramid.
Moving on and cutting myself off, it's 5 am here and I've had the most beautiful epiphany of my life [And that is???]. I've somehow forgotten my purpose, the very reason God placed me on this Earth. It's not about religion or politics...matching wits with other geniuses or belittling myself for those too closed-minded to see the beauty of their intelligence. I was put here for my love of music. The gift of musical talent was bestowed upon me so that I may make it. That is my power.
I've let the political world of Hip Hop cloud my mind and darken my expressions. It has worn away my spirit and deteriorated my soul. As I've wasted a third of my life I am forced to submit to my initial programming...to enjoy creating the art. I must accept my ability for what it is...me. I pledge to put down these cartons of cigarettes, remove myself from the whiles of the world, and put my thoughts into song.
The passion I once lost has quickly and abruptly returned. For my absence I apologize.
I've taken the liberty of adding some links to my reminders at the bottom of this post. Listen to their passion...they truly believe what their singing. Following their examples I shall share my gifts with you. To start, a description is necessary. Lyricism isn't my only talent...I have a voice I've hidden for years due to shame and lifestyle.
I've been discouraged by others and afraid my "surroundings" won't accept a gift I couldn't control receiving. I lost my passion and turned my back on it viewing Hip Hop as my only outlet. I was wrong. Drake has shown me how weak an artist I allowed myself to become. My past doesn't determine how I use my voice, my future does [Meditate on that one...].
Hello, world, I've returned...and this time I've brought my soul. Have me whole or have me not.
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in.
Ready For Love
Beautiful Surprise
I'm Yours
Lucky
Friday, January 22, 2010
Disaster Relief Organizations Are Pompous
So, Haiti was hit with another earthquake earlier this week. Talk about kicking people while they're down, 2 in one go, that's just not fair. Honestly, what did these people do to deserve a fate so horrible, and why are relief personnel turning away more relief volunteers? Stating, "Too much help can cause problems," I guess the few of you there are going to clean up the entire island yourselves.
If someone volunteers just let them, pick them up and bring them onboard. Honestly, if I blew $1200 on a couples flight to the Caribbean just to help people I don't know help OTHER people I don't know and got turned away...I'd probably blow something up [Truth, he's scary...]. I mean, who turns down that kind of help? As if having an entire island to rebuild and broken people complaining about poor relief efforts isn't enough, we have douchebags making the news for saying outlandish things about having too much help. If you were doing a good enough job reports wouldn't get worse and less people would be as proactive as they are now.
Initially, we didn't even think you cared so we decided to anty up and make something happen ourselves...then you move in and steal all the glory. Suddenly our contributions are no longer welcome and we should just stay home and stop sending volunteers and food. Is it just me or is that logic completely backward [It's just you...]? Sarcasm isn't befitting of you, Mr. Marshall.
"Sorry!" - Mr. Marshall
I can't believe how upset I am right now! These are the same people who quickly crusify others for not caring about a tragedy because we can't respond in time but when we swarm them with help...they decline. I'm sorry but that's just stupid. Let's look at it like this, maybe your system just sucks. As a relief organization you must not be very organized for a truck full of fur coats to arrive at the tsunami relief site. How is that the fault of people who donate?
Now, you've created an even bigger problem because less people are willing to help. They don't feel safe sending money and, honestly, I share their concern as the history of monitary contributions in the US is an ugly one. If someone sends canned goods then have the organization's storage facility STORE them for appropriate times. Of course, SENDING food to hungry victims seems appropriate enough to me [Especially when ordering it only in bulk takes time they don't have...]. And the world keeps turning.
Immediate rations are extremely helpful. What can be stored may be handed out for later consumption by victims, stored up and shipped in bulk for practicality, lasts longer, are safer han sending enormous amounts of money through strangers, and distributed immediately while you wait for bulk rations. Plus the cans can be used for bathroom emergencies [Not a joke...] and gardening [The beautification program...]. Besides, charity is about sending what you DO have and can afford to give up [Preach...].
Without adequate shelter the people, I'm sure, will get cold at night. Inappropriate clothing can be used as blanketing and padding for medical emergencies. You call these things useless resources but you're wrong, I call them survival aids in a pinch. I would know since I grew up and still reside in hell--I mean Detroit and have been homeless before. I've nicknamed it Martha Stewart living in the hood [Which is basically their whole island...]. I can think of uses for these things, why can't you?
I'm not conceited enough to believe I'm right about everything [*cough*...] but I have the feeling I hit this nail right on its head. A gift is a gift no matter what it may be. To sneer at something just because it's unfavorable is the action taken by an agency I wouldn't want to help. Let's stop being smug and think more about the people AND the future. Whatever isn't appropriate now may be appropriate in the future. You signed on to do the work, just do it.
Honestly, I don't like when my customers fuss at me about things I had no control over, throw money at me, eat away my productivity time, make a mess of my store, try to sell me things, or make frequent changes and then cancel their arrangements...but I deal with it. Why? Because the people I serve are more important to me than my job itself. At the end of the day, in spite of my exhaustion, it was more beneficial to me to be helpful to someone in need [Think about that...]
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Earthquake In Haiti
I hope to God Comcast just sucks at internet provision or I'm going to kill an idiot, Prestige Mode, level 51, glitching, b!tch made, co©k sucker. Yeah...I went there...and what [Pu$$ies...]? I can call names with the best of them [He's wild...], plus Mr. Marshall is back to instigate [Hiiiii...]. He's been gone too long...I missed him.
So, I was on PSN last night playing Modern Warfare 2 and I started my night getting owned. My connection, however, was perfect so I had no excuse for losing my first 4 or 5 matches...I just sucked. Anyway, after getting thoroughly warmed up and starting to kick some @ss in Team Deathmatch I grabbed my P90 and headed to Free-for-All. Now, normally I stay away from this play mode but I felt good that night [Major understatement...].
I'm ahead of the pack, I already have about 20 kills and I can tell I'm going to win this match hands down. I've got a 7 kill streak going, I just used my second streak bonus, higher ranking players were dropping like dead flies, my connection was flawless...then I cut the level 51 down. As soon as I stabbed him in the back the match glitched like crazy and I was disconnected from PSN for the rest of the night. I couldn't even visit the Playstation Store!
I started to freak out because this looked like the level 51 guy attacked my system just because I killed him. I hope not, since I can't find him, because I'll be out of a $300 system [Ouch...]. I found myself only able to connect for 2 to 5 minutes on each attempt. I suffered the same fate each time. I'd be dominating the match and suddenly get put off...I don't understand it! All my other devices connected to the web perfectly well.
Feeling defeated and bummed about the possible assault on my Playstation I just gave up and went to bed. What's worse is I didn't even have a cigarette for a nice night cap [Because he's broke as hell...]. And your point is?
In more important news, the crisis in Haiti has gotten completely out of hand. Reports say the earthquake victims are suffering more and more each day. There are few volunteers, people have super-glued their check books shut, and the Haitian people are starving and restless. I, on the other hand, have been quite proactive...because I actually care. Honestly, if I had suffered such devastation I'd be looking for some compassion and assistance too. I'd also be just as angry if I were grossly ignored just as they are.
The quake measured 7.0 on the Richter Scale and almost destroyed the entire surface of the island. We already know they can't afford to recover from this alone, especially since our businesses moved in and took all of the money out of their economy, so we could at least send them a few million and some volunteers. For those of you who don't already know, I've started a cause on Facebook called, "Help Me Help Haiti!!!" Search for it or click the link on my wall post...actually, I'll even try to post it here. Once you find it please join it.
My plan is to get a few million people to join my cause and then have all of us donate $3 all at once. In case you aren't very good at math, I've taken the liberty of producing an equation for you all.
If current cause members (3) • 4 million = 12 million
And each member's contribution = 3
Then 12,000,000 • 3 = 36,000,000 [A LOT of money...]
Pretty simple, right? It's also very realistic. Now, as much as I would like 12 million people to buy my demo at the same value, I'd much rather those people convert that [Nonexistent...] purchase into a reasonably small donation and be part of something great. This will be paramount, moreso than Brangelina actually showing up there to devour all the good publicity. It's a genius move but...also very selfish. I, on the other hand, don't hope to gain anything from my efforts. I only wish to help.
If Anderson Cooper can rescue a young teen from looters then I can raise $36 million to help these people. The latest reports definitely struck a serious blow to my conscience and the photos of the aftermath were heart wrenching. These people lost everything. Nearly 200,000 lost lives, many lost body parts, businesses fell to the ground [Literally...], and rational minds shattered. I almost cried watching the videos thinking, "This is terrible!" Even the relief efforts were a mess.
Another thing I can't wrap my mind around is how little the American people seem to care. The Facebook population couldn't even raise half a million dollars for Haiti. What's the world coming to?! I wrote a note addressing the double-standards deeply rooted in American society in order to spark an interest because, quite frankly, the truth is out there. We entered a recession--no, a depression and expected every other sovereign nation to give us money we couldn't pay back...and then some of them did [Like China...]. Now, we won't even share some of that money with a nation in genuine jeopardy.
Show of hands, who else thinks that's bullsh!t [Give 'em hell, Jay!!!]? I, for one, think this country sucks if the mentality of the people in it is that self-centered. Where do we [Used loosely...] get off being so pretentious and pompous? I understand being proud of one's own country but embracing all the negative too? What sort of twisted point of view is that?!
We have racism and hate crimes, highest murder rates, highest prison population, crime rate through the roof, a corrupt government, ignorance runs rampant, financial prejudism, social prejudism, age prejudism, gender based prejudism, chauvinism, failing economy, mismanaged funds, weak legal system, overworked and under paid laborers, the list goes on. Hell, our medical system is greedy and our internet is the slowest of all the sovereign nations. How do we pay for 54+ mbps and only receive 1 mbps download and 0.7 mbps upload? How does that even work? It's dishonest, it's theft. You charge us for services you don't even provide!
"You lie!" - Joe Wilson
Quiet, Joe! You're an idiot. You don't even know when to keep your mouth shut when the Chairman [Democrat...] is in the room listening to the President's [Democrat...] Congressional address. If you don't like something simply vote against it rather than make a spectacle of yourself. People really let power go to their heads. Just because it takes a majority vote to get rid of you doesn't mean it can't happen [Jerk...].
"..." - Joe Wilson
I thought so. Back to my original gripe, let's help Haiti, folks.
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Lil Wayne vs Nickelback???!!!
I hate this f*cking city with every ounce of being. It is SO frustrating waiting for a bus when it's only 26 degrees outside, 6 inches of snow on the ground, I'm tired from work, and there's no place to warm up. It's even more frustrating when your toes are frozen and the bus driver is a douchebag, so he refuses to turn up the God damned heat and let you defrost!
I swear this is the worst place, to live, on the entire face of this God forsaken planet! What's worse is, I had a bad day, this is going to go on for 3 more months, I had a bad day...oh, and did I mention I had a bad day? I've had it up to my TEETH with these closed-minded, brain numbing, ignorant n!ggas who THINK their offensively low IQ's and stupid ideas are worth putting into effect.
Some of these ordinances shouldn't even make it out of the damned Mayor's office, but, alas we've elected an idiot old man who is arrogant enough to believe his poor excuse of a bus system works. I would love to express how I really feel personally except for my fate, as a prisoner of the state should I attempt such a task, will become absolute. That's right...THAT.
Maybe I'm just being irrational because I'm handling my masculin hormonal change poorly this season. My testosterone is at its peak and causing me to be a sh!t load more aggressive and vulgar. Note that I'm not complaining about that part. I am, however, complaining about how these people feed off of these biological occurences. It's shameful to watch people intentionally push you over the edge for the sake of punishing you for it later.
Example:
Dave Bing is an idiot, thus proving exactly why ex pro athletes should not become politicians. It took us months to keep the man from ruining our public transportation system. The problem I have is the tension he's causing after winning his run for mayor...crazy, right?! That's because the majority of Detroit citizens are incredibly stupid. Think I'm lying? Look at our political history as of the last 10 years...
This causes outrage and disgust within the numbers of the non voters, myself excluded. I vote, as I should, but my voice is not heard. When the people want to be screwed my opinion matters not. It sucks being the only rational individual in a dying city...and so my response to such frustration is filled with potentially violent intentions. I swear, some days I just want to slap an idiot until its teeth fall out.
In other news, aside from my weak @ss internet connection, I kicked ass in Modern Warfare 2 on PSN last night. Sure I started the night getting owned, but that's not the point. The point is I managed to rank up twice online even though I'm only a beginner. With three matches in a row respectively ending with me having 20, 20, and 17 legitimate kills, "I have a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good-good night. WooHoo!" - Black Eyed Peas
You may have also noticed Mr. Marshall is absent from today's update...that's because I killed him and made stew with his remains. I'm definitely full as hell right now.
"YOU LIE!" - Joe Wilson
F*ck you, Joe, I'm not lying...just telling a really tall tale. Honestly, people, where is everyone's sense of humor? Actually,wait...I ate THAT...ohhhhh sh!t...I'm gonna vomit...definitely gonna vomit.
See that? That's how bad you guys are for my health, however, I just can't stop writing to you...or about you for that matter. It's even interfered in the progression of my movie script...I really need to get back on that before I forget all my ideas. I'm sorry, what? Bah, what your thought was isn't important! It's time for me to add a few pages to what I've got already.
As far as the soundtrack is concerned, Lil Wayne will NOT be on it! My reasoning is because I'm writing this movie to have a GOOD soundtrack with GOOD Music. Maybe you'll hear Eminem, of course Slaughterhouse, Fabolous, 3OH!3, maybe some Katy Perry, Abbe and J, Infinite Stylez, Son, etc. Wow! This thing might need a second disc just to cover all the awesome music I plan to use for it. I'm starting to hear some India.Arie, Musiq Soulchild, Finch, Bullet for My Valentine, Fall Out Boy, Alexisonfire, Nickelback, Chris Daughtry, Nas...this thing is going to be HOT!
I'm suddenly very motivated. The ideas are running rampant throughout my mind...the scenes, the music, the voices...I will own this.
Well that ends the update which took a week to finish. Ciao!
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Mad Depth
The gravity of the situation has even affected my music. I've been unable to write anything noteworthy for the last 2 months...that's about when I lyrically destroyed Reid in only 2 tracks [More humiliation to come...]. However, at the peak of my frustration I've managed to begin a process I initially thought was impossible for a character of my type. Any takers [No...]? I've started writing a movie script.
I must say it's going rather well although I haven't had much faith in my writing ability outside of music [He's lying. He was just bragging about his blog...]. Okay, wise guy, let's vote. Those who believe my lack of confidence in my ability exists please comment accordingly, those who don't,
Moving on to bigger and better things, I've come across the most prejudiced and possibly controversial sign in Detroit.
Seen in front of this building:
If anyone can guess the full address of this building, thus revealing the location of the sign, I will award them $15 via PayPal, so only readers with active accounts may participate as I believe checks are the devil. Each participant may submit only one entry so give it a lot of thought before responding [Cheaters will be tarred, feathered, and boiled in oil...]. The contest will be over on February 3, 2010 and the award will only go to the FIRST follower with the correct response [If enough of you got it right he'd go broke otherwise...]. I'm already broke, genius.
Continuing. I didn't know such bold statements were tolerated. This is an obvious example of discrimination, clearly stating those who don't believe in God are stupid and, based on the illustration, going to be killed BY God. This is also, obviously, a Christian message to all "infidels." Help me out here...who says your perception of God is even remotely accurate? Every long lasting faith has a history of miraculous instances and countless blessings...which means you're not even half right [Oooooooooohhh! I heard a beast, b!tch!]. Behave.
"Sorry." - Mr. Marshall
My point is, no matter what title a people give God to understand such a being is irrelevant. As a matter of fact, God isn't even the name of the Christian deity, it's Jehova (translated from the Hebrew: Yahweh). For those too ignorant to know any better, that means Jesus freaks and Jews have the same Master, and I'm not saying that sluringly [Not toward the Jewish people that is...]. I guess Mary Magdelene WAS the first Christian afterall [Formerly Jewish...].
As for atheists...I believe they are considered meek along with guys like me, the spiritual but uncertain. This is my logic:
One of the most vital words in the definition of meek is the word unassuming. I DO believe in God but I don't follow a specific faith, I study them all and I assume nothing. That said, a meek individual is likely one who is still in need [Atheist...] or in search of enlightenment. Those who have already accomplished enlightenment are likely to pass into Heaven. This came directly from a Christian bible and is likely to be found in the teachings of other major faiths.
My point is this...that sign was a very stupid idea and those associated with its posting are probably having a hard time by now. When did God give a culture the right to be mean spirited and prejudiced? I thought we learned how bad an idea that was when we began our battle with racism...I guess not [Pfffft! Americans...].
Hmmmm, wow...I feel better now. I think I'll get through my work day and write a song [Good job, Jay...]. Thanks, Mr. Marshall, you know - wait, that's a Pablo Francisco skit - never mind.
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in. Hey, is that chocolate?! NO! NO, IT'S NOT!
Nicole Richie vs Joe Wilson vs Reid
As many of you DON'T know, my birthday was Monday...which is why I'm so irritated by Blogaway's failure to post my update from Sunday. BOTH of my readers have really been looking forward to it and, unfortunately, have had their dreams obliterated [Thank you, Beanie...]. Why'd I say that [Because you're a d!ck...]? Mr. Marshall's right, that was mean.
"OH MY GOD!!!" - Mr. Marshall
What?! Why are you reacting like that?!
"You actually said I was right without being sarcastic or insulting!" - Mr. Marshall
Jesus, relax, dude, you act like I proposed to you [I spoke too soon...]. Well, folks, just as Mr. Marshall is doomed to be a troll forever, I, will forever be a d!ck...a big one...
"YOU LIE!" - ?
Who the f*ck was that [Joe Wilson...]?! That seriously startled the SH!T out of me, I mean, I thought that last screw had finally come loose. It was more startling than the time my sister tricked me into visiting the 2Girls1Cup shock site and holding me down in my seat forcing me to watch the whole thing. Don't judge me, she's strong.
It was more shocking than the TickleTheFatKid shock game that scarred me for life when I received my "prize" [Ha! Hardly...] which I speak of with much sarcasm [He hasn't absorbed what I've said yet...]. If I had finally gone crazy I would have lost my mind [This is gonna be a while...], wait, that doesn't make sense...or does it? Oh, dear God! It's started! The Apocolypse is upon us!
"I've decided to commandeer the blog until he finally relaxes. All the guy did was simply yell, "You lie," [There it is again!] and the kid's entire world came crashing down around him. He acts like he's never been told that before...or maybe the unexpected voice of Joe Wilson is to blame [I've got it! I'll hunt it down and strangle it!]. This will require great magnitudes of experimentation!
"Actually...I just have a fetish for being the cause of so much discord. Call me a sadist, I'm not ashamed [Where did that voice come from?!]. I wish I could've been the blame for this outburst though [*crash*]. Honestly lol It's pretty funny! He's really deter--okay, he's coming back now! Later..." - Mr. Marshall
I apologize for that little outburst, I had to find something [SomeONE...]. Ignore Mr. Marshall, he's a troll [And you're a douchebag...]. We all love him anywa--
"YOU LIE!" - Joe Wilson
What in the HELL [IT'S JO--]?! Joe Wilson?! You're a f*cking prick! Get the hell off my blog!
Okay, sooo, I've decided to allow my creative spark to run rampant. What you read next will amaze you, well, will amaze me because I'm bored and I need to exercise [Or exORcise...] my brain. This is a Blogspot EXCLUSIVE! UHNNN! ONE TIME!
I guess I should recognize real for the first time-I think I'm a |visionary| :what I see'll: work fine-Purp, dime-bag'll leave you |lifted|-a couple of my boys took a :journey overseas when they sniffed it:-I'm big sh!t...-and I aint smokin'-it I'm just jokin'-I |cut the game jugular| you boys :just chokin':.../
Who you know that's rockin' a beat-with no background, no mic, but poppin' his teeth-like every single line droppin' is sweet-if you aint |hoppin' with me|-you :silly rabbits ought to hop in the street:-now.../
If that aint freestyled-you |Rich Boy|s who claimin' you "souljas" and only ghost writin' for |Reid| now-are |Trapt| in a battle with |Steez| now-and I don't cause friction I'm |Staind|less you :tattered and beat down:/
Talkin' all this nonsense, |holdin' the heat|-the only :weapon you ever had a hold on was me:-I'm the life of the party the bullet with no target-and I don't mind livin' with |static| if :I sparked it:/
"Like I don't mind losin' MY vehicle, I PARKED it"-*so how am I denied MY peace when Y'ALL start sh!t...*-consider me a bread winner-or a dead n!gg@...-either way my family is gettin' fed, n!gg@.../
I don't mean to start throwin' them |bad words|-but :everything you sayin' to your fans is bad, word:...-if I'm backward-and twisted-then how you tell your fans you were battlin' and ripped him...-b!tch, them.../
Lines you been sayin' to the kid with his back turned only light a cigarette-my heat you aint feel it yet-|still a vet|-dump a clip, bullets hidin' in your chest-:Operation: Leave His Whole Belly and His Ceilin' Wet:.../
If you comin' with them punchlines-|I remain stationary| like :Nichole Richie when it's lunch time://
By the way, folks, look forward to finding that verse on Youtube in the near future. I've formatted it for fans of text battles AND in audio structure for easy recording later. That will be over the "Hood Hop" instrumental used by J-Kwon.
My mind is mad deep and you just jumped in.