Addiction

The end of Day 12 is the start of Day 13.  I find myself doing as I've become accustomed to doing every single day and night...working out.  I've had no days of rest...and my mind wanders endlessly as I attempt to relax.  I can't sleep and my meals have become smaller, yet, more frequent.  My only distraction is interaction with other people.

My muscles are swollen and sore.  My hair has grown longer and stronger.  My skin has begun to clear up and my vision is sharpened.  I hear more and feel more.  My senses have fully awakened, bringing the darkest depths of my mind to life.  Yes, when I'm in this torturous world of toil and exertion my thoughts fly free.

Suddenly the world around me no longer matters.  I forget I even exist in it...or that it exists around me.  All I may observe is within the confines of this room.

My efforts thwart the feelings of loneliness.  I'm too busy focusing all of my energy on the single goal I've set for these times.  To forget.  Not to forget as in allowing a memory to slip from the front of my mind, no.  To forget as in to hide.  The shame, the guilt, the regret, the frustration, the exhaustion, the restlessness, and the pain of my situation.  To hide from it all.

As the testosterone and adrenaline course through my veins, filling me with burning vigor, I experience a high.  A high I prefer as much as, if not more than, an orgasm.  Moving to my own rhythmn, watching the light dance off my chocolate skin, feeling each muscle ache and throb; this is what true pleasure is.

Falling short of breath as my heart races, pumping the essence of my life into every part of my body, while the window permits the gentle breeze to caress my frame.  The goosebumps trail down my back...guiding the sweat.  Every gust causing my hot body to tense up in ecstacy.  I've never had an experience this good.

Finally it ends and I must leave it for now.  I can barely move but my treacherous impulses have taken full control.  I'm compelled to tie my hair as I step into the bathroom and look into the mirror...into the eyes of an infidel.  I approach the bath tub and turn on the warm water.  A slave to my desires, I step in and enjoy how it envelopes me.

The water dances over my chest and arms.  Branching into fingers it runs down my spent abs like the fingers of a lover.  Lower...lower...comforting me, appreciating me.  It turns me on.  The stronger I get, the weaker I feel.  I can't resist.  I'm in agony but I've fallen too deep to stop.  So, I close my eyes and just...feel.

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New Workout Plan

Oh, sweet misery, how I adore thee [What the fu©k, Inf???]...Shut up, Nick.  I don't recall asking your opinion [Don't be such a d!ck...].  Mr. Marshall, you're rather forward this morning, aren't you?  I guess it's about time you've returned from your shell [...].  Oh?  You have nothing to say [...]?  Silence seems to be a befitting new characteristic of yours...I like it [Go to hell...] [Hahahahaha!!!]!  After you, kind sir.

I've done some research...I can't believe how much I enjoy ridiculing the spiritual but foolishly religious.  I don't see why all this religious bullsh!t came to be.  What happened to simply believing in God?  Every coward on Earth blindly follows some new heretic crying outloud about the end being near and proclaiming himself a prophet of the Lord thy God.  Sad if you ask me [Except nobody asked you...].  Mr. Marshall [Hahahahaha!!!]!

I remember a discussion about sexual sins and my perspective being frowned upon.  What I challenged the bitter, young man to do was to prove me wrong...to find some tangible evidence to falsify my argument.  Do you think he was capable of doing so?  Of course you do, however, he gravely disappointed you.  Without going into too much detail, prior to shifting our focus, he asked me if I thought sodomy was excusable.  I told him no, prompting him to ask me how if my views of sex were so forgiving.  I simply explained that sodomy was rape and an unacceptable perversion.

Did you know Sodom was a real city?  Even more interesting was the disappearance of that city and the reason why.  Sodomy was named for that city and for the criminal sexual act popularized by the citizens of that city.  No, it was not homosexuality, God did not destroy the city because of those lovers of the same gender.  Two (or three) angels were faced with the threat of being raped by the citizens.

"Where are the men who came to you tonight?  Bring them out to us, that we may know them."

The phraseology of the request leads us to believe the people of Sodom were requesting to have sex with the angels.  However, this is only half correct.  The sex was to be forced and the partners were to be many as every citizen outside of Lot and his family were present for the planned act.  The angels had no intentions of engaging in intercourse.  Thusly, God destroyed the city.  What those "well versed" in the Word fail to notice is that God also destroyed another town for the rape of a woman.

This is easy to understand people.  A town planned to rape the men who visited Lot.  This town was already wicked, anyone see the attempted rape of angels as the last straw?  In the Book of Judges another town was destroyed when the town raped a woman.  Read it yourself, folks.  It looks like those prejudiced, overzealous, idiotic, self proclaimed prophets have mislead you for years.

Many of you don't see why my attitude toward Christian practices is unfavorable.  You don't understand my purpose.  You think all I do is bitterly pick apart the teachings of the churches and ruin other peoples' beliefs.  You're wrong.  I am protecting you from these religion selling pimps.  I am protecting you from the same suffering I endure.  I listened to them and did as they taught me.  My life is ruined and all they have to say to me when I go to them for help is that maybe I don't have God's favor.  I do this because I'm miserable and I hate my life.

I've become an adult and I'm responsible for my own actions or lack thereof.  I can't blame the Pastor for his/her teachings when I could study these things myself.  That said, I set out to fix all I can.  But the memories, the bad karma, the pitiful environment, my dashed dreams won't stop haunting me.  My nightmares manifest in my sleep and become real when I wake and start my day.

My solution?  I close my eyes and force it all away!  I lay on my floor and work my @ss off!  I don't face it anymore because I feel it is too big for me to topple.  That's not the result of having no favor from God because the wills of men are free!  It's the result of the wicked souls of men, the judgemental and hateful minds of other people!  So I exercise until I collapse.  I admit it...I have a problem.  I'm addicted to the rush of testosterone and adrenaline in my system, I'm a junkie, a fiend.  I need it, it turns me on.

I may stop writing as long as I get my fix...I may stop eating as long as I get my fix.  I may stop reading to get my fix or even stop breathing for it!  Onlookers see me as a man looking to get back into shape...they're wrong.  I workout up to three times each day, I never take a day of rest, I tear my hair out when I'm too occupied to start again.  I eat vitamins like they're M&Ms, guzzle water like ale, and let the water from my shower make love to my sore muscles.

Even when I'm in pain I push through my workout.  I con myself into believing I'm satisfied though I have every intention of working harder.  I'm spiraling out of control as the nicotine and alcohol conquer me, causing me to punish myself further.  I want to talk but I have no voice, I want to cry but I have no tears...I want an outlet but the walls have no doors...no windows...no vents.  Imprisoned in my own mind by this corrupted society governed by these Christian warmongers, these false prophets, these racists, and these spiteful women.

My fellow man will hang me...my female counterpart will shame me...and this world is breaking me.  So I workout...alone, in the dark; lamenting, hiding, and hating.  I promise myself I'll get stronger though I know I'm only avoiding the disgusting world that beckons me.  That's why this matters.  If I don't speak, no one else will.

Then it's back to my lonely workout...

Please...help me.

 Sodomy is rape, not homosexual or anal sex.