I Am God

The other day I was in a chatroom participating in a trending topic.  The topic was: I remember.  We flooded the room with things we remembered from "back in the day," everything from popular Kool-Aid flavors to kindergarten crushes.  We randomly threw sweet old recollections at each other for more than 2 hours.  The sentiment flowed rapidly from each handset almost as if we were in one enormous conference call with old friends...though we were all strangers.  My thoughts became solemn and I suddenly exited the chat.

What were my thoughts [Obviously bitter...]?  Yes, Nick, extremely bitter [Figures...].  As expected of you, Mr. Marshall, welcome back.  My thoughts were of the bright side of my younger years [As if you're that old...] [He is!  Hahahahaha!!!].  Quiet!  Both of you!  This is serious [...] [...]!  The memories, only bitter due to the loss of the experience, once seemed so far away...how quickly they came back to haunt me.

I remembered a better time, a time when people relied heavily on one another.  I remembered my strength, my greatest attributes which had revealed themselves in the Spring of my youth.  I had remembered when people believed in me.  Just the thought of another trusting in my abilities pains me these days.  I had become accustomed to being alone and having no one even notice I exist.

At some point in my early life I could do absolutely anything.  My genius only intimidated other geniuses around me.  I was Mr. Unlimited Potential...and, trust me, it was entirely true.  I had a mind for anything, a talent to match, and enough life experience to shame these Hip-Hop posers before I turned 11.  The sky was the limit though I aimed to fly beyond the very boundries of the cosmos themselves.

In spite of my many talents and high IQ I was just another victim of poverty.  My family never had much money and those who were fortunate enough to earn substantial amounts became estranged soon after.  With heavy violent, drug related, and gang activities surrounding me I was doomed to suffer through a troubled life.  Constantly abused, stolen from, and cheated...not enough money to eat at times...we struggled considerably.  It's always the same story, right?

If you assume this is the same story you're wrong.  This isn't the trademark response you receive from other artists who fabricate their lives.  I went to good schools until I reached high school, I joined organizations to stay out of trouble, I traveled, I studied, and tried to socialize with the most positive influences I could find.  I craved a better life despite my circumstances.  I ran into trouble often though I worked exceptionally hard to keep the news from falling on the ears of those I held dear.  I was truly a troubled youth but not a problematic one...although I was profiled as such.

Finally, after so much conflict and falling deeper into delinquincy regardless of my efforts not to, I broke.  I couldn't take anymore.  Someone once had the audacity to tell me I make excuses for others like me, that we encountered what we experienced by choice, that we weren't strong or responsible enough to utilize our other options.  She told me we don't and would not amount to anything because our wills were/are weak.  I spoke on this blindly self-centered young lady before with more ambiguity in an earlier update...she couldn't have been more wrong.

She didn't have to endure the same problems or think her way through the same situations, she wasn't surrounded by the same people or raised in the same environment as I, she knows nothing of real strife.  She caught a lucky break and moved away from poverty, her lack of open perception and maturity causing her to shut out the truth of the world around her.  Her great arrogance and stupidly blind faith causing her to make irrational and prejudiced judgements about the "havenots" she fails to properly understand or even acknowledge as people.

People like said individual are whom I am referring when I speak of people believing in myself and others.  Had I not given my all, would I be so well spoken?  Would I have moved from those neighborhoods if I weren't exercising all my options?  Could I control losing the only male role model I had been given to follow at an early age?  Is it MY fault the rest of society is so sorry?  Am I able to change the hearts and minds of wicked politicians, abusive parents, gang bangers, bullies, prostitutes, hoodrats, and posers?  Can I teach a self-proclaimed prophet or open that leader to other findings beneficial to his/her quest to find the true path of righteousness?  Can I teach said prophet what they preach about is essentially wrong as it doesn't literally and/or logically follow the literature before them?  I cannot!

Believe me, I've tried.  Why do you think I write these words?  I can't control who refuses to read them.  I make jokes to brighten my mood because my depression is spawned by the poor state of the world around me.  I stand alone amongst billions and fight a great war by myself.  Those I once called comrades all fallen or defected, taking up arms with the enemy.  People fight a devil that exists only in their imaginations whilst I battle a great demon that exists in the flesh of other human beings...and even my own.

I see the wretched creature for what it is and not for what everyone wishes it to be.  Because of this I am bound, gagged, beaten, and persecuted for my sight and my vision; exiled for my knowledge.  I'm tormented by lonliness as others view my very existence as taboo.  All my attempts have been thwarted by the devil hiding within the people who've been fooled into believing they're winning the battle against it.  In truth, they only protect it.  Flattering a disgusted God and singing songs in an asylum will not destroy a being that may conference with God whenever it so chooses (laughs).  Such foolishness! 

If that were true, heretics and murderers wouldn't continue to be what they are outside of the sanctuary.  If that were true, that holy water would boil the flesh of all who receive it and that palm oil would seep into their pores and melt their brains.  Singing compliments shall not be your salvation.  Trusting in those God has placed in your life is true faith.  Real faith is not blind, logically speaking, it can't be.  The fact anything exists at all is evidence of that.  You tell me, "Just pray and be patient, God will pull you through."  I call you an idiot because you have everything I need yet you stand before me and deny me access to it.  My prayers were answered the day you were born and your way of thinking has completely contradicted your whole purpose for being.

People would rather run around with their own imaginary image of God instead of accepting what God really is...life.  God is literally everything.  And even as I believe in everything...no one allows anything to believe in me. 

I remember a time when people believed in me...