Addiction

The end of Day 12 is the start of Day 13.  I find myself doing as I've become accustomed to doing every single day and night...working out.  I've had no days of rest...and my mind wanders endlessly as I attempt to relax.  I can't sleep and my meals have become smaller, yet, more frequent.  My only distraction is interaction with other people.

My muscles are swollen and sore.  My hair has grown longer and stronger.  My skin has begun to clear up and my vision is sharpened.  I hear more and feel more.  My senses have fully awakened, bringing the darkest depths of my mind to life.  Yes, when I'm in this torturous world of toil and exertion my thoughts fly free.

Suddenly the world around me no longer matters.  I forget I even exist in it...or that it exists around me.  All I may observe is within the confines of this room.

My efforts thwart the feelings of loneliness.  I'm too busy focusing all of my energy on the single goal I've set for these times.  To forget.  Not to forget as in allowing a memory to slip from the front of my mind, no.  To forget as in to hide.  The shame, the guilt, the regret, the frustration, the exhaustion, the restlessness, and the pain of my situation.  To hide from it all.

As the testosterone and adrenaline course through my veins, filling me with burning vigor, I experience a high.  A high I prefer as much as, if not more than, an orgasm.  Moving to my own rhythmn, watching the light dance off my chocolate skin, feeling each muscle ache and throb; this is what true pleasure is.

Falling short of breath as my heart races, pumping the essence of my life into every part of my body, while the window permits the gentle breeze to caress my frame.  The goosebumps trail down my back...guiding the sweat.  Every gust causing my hot body to tense up in ecstacy.  I've never had an experience this good.

Finally it ends and I must leave it for now.  I can barely move but my treacherous impulses have taken full control.  I'm compelled to tie my hair as I step into the bathroom and look into the mirror...into the eyes of an infidel.  I approach the bath tub and turn on the warm water.  A slave to my desires, I step in and enjoy how it envelopes me.

The water dances over my chest and arms.  Branching into fingers it runs down my spent abs like the fingers of a lover.  Lower...lower...comforting me, appreciating me.  It turns me on.  The stronger I get, the weaker I feel.  I can't resist.  I'm in agony but I've fallen too deep to stop.  So, I close my eyes and just...feel.