God's Only Mistake Was...

Sometimes I look at that bottle of zinc on my dresser and feel like I should swallow all 200 remaining tablets before I go to sleep.  I'm God's only mistake.  Somehow I've been enveloped by bad karma...no matter what I do or how much of myself I put into those things, bad things happen.  You're reading the words of a truly broken man with no desire to live.  However, I feel so bad I don't think enough of myself to feel entitled to the comfort of death.  So I just lay here.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I exist as a paradox...I'm a puzzle with no solution.  Many may theorize but none shall ever figure me out?  Why?   Simply because I make absolutely no logical sense.  Based on the definition of modern man I shouldn't even exist.  I don't fit in with the crowd.  Everything I do or say is misunderstood.

You people don't know me.  As hard as I try to introduce you, quite frankly, you never will.  I'm learning to accept that.  In a world where everyone and everything must be classified, I simply have no place.  So, I've become reclusive, finding that reaching out only makes things worse.  Even among loved ones I'm an outcast.

"James just won't conform."  I can't conform to everything...I'm only one person.

"He has an obvious problem with authority."  Authority has a problem with me.

"As smart as he is he acts as if he has no mind...he won't even try."  What's the point?

"I don't understand him, he won't open up...I can't teach him."  You're one of the few fools who've tried.

"Mrs. Marshall...give up.  There's no hope.  This one's a dud."  I agree.

"He says what he thinks I want to hear.  He's always thinking of a solution.  Maybe his focus should be math."  I hate math.

"He's disturbed.  He even depresses ME!"  Then why'd you inquire?  Why didn't you just watch me die?

"He's an ass, Mrs. Marshall.  Excuse my language.  He's impossible."  You should've continued to ignore me.  I was fine in my corner not being acknowledged.

"Someone's going to put him out of his misery one day..."  They've tried and failed.  Even I can't accomplish that and I'm with me all the time.

"He lies..."  You refuse to accept the truth.  What's left to give you but a lie?

"Is he some kinda introvert?!"  It doesn't matter.  You'll turn your back like everyone else...some day...

"He's either really intelligent or really condescending.  I don't like how he talks to others."  This is why I don't speak.  I wish I didn't have a voice.

"Jay...you're really smart but...you intimidate people.  You remind most folks that they aren't as smart as you."  How?!  Why can't be ordinary?!

Why can't I be like you?!  How is that I can't be just a regular person?!  Why do I have to be miserable all the time?  I can't communicate no matter how many words I can spell, define, and apply proper use to.  This life sucks!  No one trusts me, my decisions all backfire, and as soon as I figure it all out a group of deranged scientists want to destroy the world!  I've wasted all 26 years of my life just trying to find a place in this world.  I've watched every moment of my time be a curse to my mother.  I've tried to rid you all of myself and I'm still here.

You don't fucking know me!

You all expect me to express my thoughts and feelings while gagging me.  Then you expect me to break free of my restraints to express myself!  How can I?!  You don't give me a chance to satisfy either request!  When I curl up in my corner and don't move I'm still wrong!  I'm always the bad guy!

I have these seizures and these nightmares, I can't sleep.  I'm a fucking insomniac.  I can't bear to stay awake because I feel like I'm still dreaming!  I'm surrounded by liars, cheats, bums, and brutes.  I can't be civil without causing a problem with the few civilized people I encounter.  My opposing view always spawns a negative emotional reaction, nothing I say is never received the way I said it even when you stare into my mouth!

I'm making excuses!  I'm condescending!  I'm too smart for my own good!  I have a bad attitude!  I can't conform!  I'm too vocal!  I'm too quiet!  I'm vindictive!  Everyone seems to be able to percieve a problem and none of you are able to indicate what that problem is!

I'm not ANY of those things!  The problem with ME is that I'm constantly misunderstood!  The problem with ME is that I don't have anywhere to go in this world!  The problem with ME is that I don't want to be here and I can't seem to die so I don't have to be!  The problem with ME is that I hate you people but I can't stop loving you!  The problem with ME is that I feel alone even when I'm drowning in waves of people!  The problem with ME is that I feel the world would be a better if I had never been born!  I lament my own existence and you analysts can't even figure it out!

Most of you haven't seen a case like mine.  Can someone truly go beyond being suicidal?  Can someone be THAT miserable?  I ruin everything I interact with!  I can't use a word without breaking someone's heart, I can't want something for myself without the entire word crashing down around me!  I want to destroy myself but I'm not strong enough to lift the world onto my own chest!  Even worse is the only man with the hart to have helped me is dead because YOU people killed him!

I can't just be happily in love, I'm an asshole.  I can't relate or compromise without being self centered.  I can't have a normal relationship with my mom without being told how much I hate her.  I can't have a father to guide me because his decisions in his youth killed him in his middle age.  I can't interact with crowds without being looked at as a social cancer.  I can't do anything right!  I can't even EAT without causing some sort of disturbance!  YOU tell me why I should fucking be here!  I challenge any one of you fuckers out there to figure that one out!

Stephen Hawking?  James Woods?  Marilyn vos Savant?  Bobby Fischer?  Kim Ung-yong?  Dr. Phil at least?!  Nothing?  God??? (Laughing my fucking ass of) God is the most reserved on the list!  I won't even HOPE for answer even though I'm sure It knows.  God is probably enjoying me trying to figure out how to either be somewhat comfortable or crack the Omega Code surrounding me and finally fade to black!  How's that for irony?!  The most gracious and most merciful won't have mercy on lil' ol' me!

Maybe I'm insane with grief.  Even as I type this entry I can't relax.  My senses are so highly tuned when I'm this wired I can feel my brain seizing!  I know I'm going to have a rough night and I don't even care!  My chest is tight, my breaths are shallow, my head is beginning to spin and throb like crazy...nope, not going to stop me from finally clearing my mind.  As matter of fact, I think a few of those zinc tablets will help me stop shaking for the moment.  I really shouldn't have more than one as one is a fully daily dose, but, because I'm not likely to die anyway and I'm REALLY shaky, why not pop three?

Furthermore...my music...why am I even doing it?  So much talent and passion...but the more I pursue it the greater the loss of my individuality.  Not a single person in my life thinks I'm more than any other emcee out there.  What worse is it MUST be expressed as a concern to me.  These are what your concerns sound like to me, "James, I don't trust you to make this move without hurting me."  Did you get that?  Were you able to read that without being offended?  Did I compress all of my thoughts and feelins enough to fit into that thought without leaving anything out?  Was it short enough to hold your attention without causing you to read it wrong or feel I'm being a douche?

Have I upset myself enough to show you people I care?  Have I exposed myself enough to make you less ashamed of me though I'm now completely ashamed of myself?  Have I shed enough tears for you tonight?  Have I thrown away enough of my dreams for you?  Have I cleared everything up yet?  Have I left you with any questions?!

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I don't want your pity.  Don't feel bad for me.  No.  I've placed myself on the torture rack once again in hopes that you'll, at the very least, accept me.

My siblings...don't betray me anymore...

Mom...I don't hate you and never did...

Ryan...I'm sorry I've put you in the middle of this shit with me...

My other friends...just answer the phone.  Please...

Ron...I CAN'T respect you.  You turned your back on me...

My enemies...I understand...

My other half...I'm sorry I'm this way...

Myself...I hate you.  You're God's only mistake...