Guess Who's Bizzak!

Guess who's back...lol

It's been a while but I've finally returned with a few updates for you all.

1. Mr. Crazy-As-Fuck is gone and Normal Jay is back
2. I'm becoming pretty successful as of late, so, those who left me hanging...eat a dick
3. I just finished recording my album, Double Duty.  It's going into mastering
4. Double Duty will be released digitally on iTunes, AmazonMP3, Spotify, etc
5. The release date is October 18th of THIS year
6. Double Duty is an AWESOME album
7. The studio producer is Asar...that's right, Royce's studio producer and one of my good friends
8. I might be too good for you assholes now lol Just kidding
9. I was sick for the last 2 years...I'm finally getting better

All of that said, who wants to kiss my ass now?  Any takers?  Guess it was too much to ask =/

So, in light of all my trials and tribulations I emerge victorious.  Not to sound like a zeitgeist or anything, because I'm not =/ <--The slant face is my new thing.

I guess being an artist is a LOT more stressful than I originally thought.  I always figured I'd just sit down and write a bunch of songs, record them, throw them on an album, and sell as many as I could.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into with the politics, the difficulty monetizing, the enormous amounts of promotion, the time it takes to schedule shows and studio time, the issues of others, and the large amount of hate one encounters for his/her art.  Even still...this is what I love and I have a story to tell...so, I'm going to tell it regardless of all of that.

I can say I've grown quite a bit from my experiences in the last decade.  If I had to do it all again...I wouldn't change a thing.

Hi, I'm A Rapper

Hi, I'm a rapper and I'm becoming suicidal.  Why?  Why not?

Maybe many of my updates have become less entertaining and more jaded this year, however, can you really blame me?  I'm a unique genius who finds so much wrong with the world around me and no means to change it.  Hell, I can't even get my music heard by the ordinary casual listener.  Some "great emcee" I've turned out to be, right?  It's sad, I know.

I try to be the best man I can be.  I do as much as I can for those important to me, even if I sacrifice the food on my own plate for them, and I seem to receive nothing in return.  I'm not looking for monetary compensation for my efforts, or a wild night, or gifts, or anything of the sort.  I'm looking for support and a binding friendship in return, that's all.  I find that next to impossible to find.


What I find instead is betrayal and disappointment.  I stay up all night worried about the next deadline I need to meet while trying to handle all of my affairs on my own.  I can't even trust some of my "closest friends" to help me keep everything organize, keep me properly informed of things that matter to me, or simply listen to my music.  Why is it I'm so selfless but always the bottom priority...if I make the list at all?  These people never hesitate to come to me when they've encountered a problem, however, I'm the last person they think about when good things occur.

I feel like the world's most insignificant son of a bitch.  I'm good to keep around for entertainment, I'm a reliable source of knowledge and wisdom, I'm supportive, I'm caring...I treat others as I would have them treat me.  Is it so wrong to expect the same in return? 

If I go out of my way to do something for you so that you may accomplish your goals or come one step closer to bringing your dreams to fruition, shouldn't you do the same for me when I genuinely NEED you?  That's why I'm down.  I'd spend the time listing all the answers to that question but it would be absolutely pointless.  All the readers would do is look for a way to demonize or discredit my claims, however, I know the truth because I'm the witness.  I know what I've read and been told and I don't need someone telling me I misinterpreted the conversations.

The truth is my feelings are completely justifiable.  I don't matter.  Currently I'm unaware of whether I should bid this world farewell or keep pushing until I achieve what I've set out to do only to turn my back on everyone I've met along the way.  What I AM aware of is that bottle of zinc sitting "innocently" on my dresser.  Everyone knows too much zinc in a single dose is deadly...well...I have half a bottle and a lot of water.

I'm tired of being sick and I'm sick of being tired.  I'm entirely too stressed and I'm not covering any ground with the masses on my road to acquiring a deal for myself and my label.  I can't even invest in it anymore!  I'm completely out of money! lol Still, even with no food in my refrigerator "they" keep demanding and begging for free work, gifts, and money.  Such cruelty.

Suicide isn't selfish.

People are.

And I'd rather rule in hell than burn on Earth.

My mind is mad deep and you've just jumped in.  If I don't make the news I'm still alive.

Dear Mr. Hawking...

For a man so brilliant Mr. Hawking tends to make some of the most ridiculous assertions based on simple observations made from an inadequate universal positioning.  To make it less difficult for certain weak minded evolutionist zeitgeists to understand, most of what he says is completely theoretical and not to be accepted, or even considered, scientific fact.  Why?  Because he does not control enough of the variables to prove such theories as fact, thus making them laws of physics.

Alas, we forget the history of scientific study.  One brilliant scientist makes a claim that is usually completely ridiculous, the people rave or riot because neither party actually understands the thinking of said scientist, and another more brilliant scientist comes along and either proves the previous scientist wrong or popularizes more propaganda to make a name for him/herself.  That said, this argument between religious purest and evolutionists is completely stupid.

For someone to claim another person is stupid for having faith in something that mathematically makes sense is stupid in itself.  What I'm saying is, leading mathematicians have stated that faith in a leading deity, whether that deity is the true God or not, usually leads the individuals involved down a path of prosperity and/or contentment.  This means they win, whether they are right or wrong.  They have something to believe in, have something to live for, have a goal to accomplish, acquire togetherness within their own belief circles, learn to share, cooperate, and find help with difficult tasks.  This is clearly a better way of life...gain.

Those who don't have any faith in anything spiritual are usually losing because they tend to be more reserved and removed from those around them who don't necessarily agree to their views or don't understand their reasoning, or lack thereof.  Many people without faith suffer some tragic fate, become social & legal delinquents, and are overall unhappy with the state of the world.  This isn't my personal opinion, rather that of the mathematicians, however, I do understand and respect the reasoning behind this.  This isn't true for every individual case BUT it is true as a generalization.  This is quite clear as a loss within the equation of human life.

Still, my point of view is in how both parties don't understand what true blind faith really is.  No matter if you are proud of the faith or are ashamed, the faith is there.  Simply put, if you believe the universe was born and expanded from nothing, which will inevitably cause it to collapse and decay into nothing, you are believing blindly in the origin and destruction of the universe as you can neither prove your claims and were not around to observe it personally.  There is no such thing as physical evidence that any man, woman, or child could possibly fathom as adequate enough to prove such a ridiculous notion. 

Apparently, under this logic, the LAWS of physics tend to bend around the wills of those who lack faith in a deity in order to support and gratify that individual.  This is even more ridiculous and, in fact, weakens your stance rather than strengthens it.  It is a physical LAW that you cannot create something from absolutely nothing.  It is also a physical LAW that anything aflame needs an adequate fuel source.  Another physical LAW is that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Therefor, the big bang theory AND the big bounce theory are completely ridiculous to someone who knows and understands these key things.

Einstein disappeared after making these observations making such a statements, essentially meaning: Man's will to disprove the existence of a higher power, through scientific study, shall inevitably steer him on a collision course with God.

That's like a Darwinist stating that life "evolved" from previously inadament objects.  I'll express how ridiculous THIS is also, for the sake of argument.  If I bury the remote control to my television set for the better part of of 2 billion years, will that piece of equipment then emerge as its own being?  No.  We've learned that by the observation of fossils.  The being that the fossil once belonged to had a head start and still its remains became nothing more than dust, as opposed to springing to life again as a new creature.  If there is no life in it, there shall never be life in it no matter how long you wait.

That said, life is not a random universal phenomenon, it can't be because it breaks the laws of physics.  That being the case, someTHING intelligent and transient MUST have designed it.  A logical deduction is that THING, or deity, created all of these laws and set them indefinitely for duration of the life of the universe itself.  Since matter can neither be created or destroyed something obviously had to design it and place it withing the cosmos.  The cosmos are understood to be devoid of anything that isn't dust, radiation, some form of positive energy, and celestial bodies.  If that's true we're floating around on a ball of water, dirt, and gas that sits out in the middle of nothingness...a void...something that exists to not exist.

The concept of God is a logical paradox and no person is capable of understanding it just as no person is capable of understanding the structure, life, and eventual death of the universe.  Whether the universe is God or God created the universe is completely inconsequential at this point.  What matters is we exist, we think, we feel, we birth life, we die, we learn, and we evolve.  That isn't random, there is an order to it.

I'd rather not take the word of the man who 1) Isn't the most intelligent person on the planet, 2) Teaches the existence of black holes as fact when HE, himself, can't even actually OBSERVE the black hole, rather observe the elliptical behavior of the objects around a center of gravity...much like the behavior of our solar system (which doesn't have a black hole in it), and 3) Was renowned for having ridiculed the idea of God and those who believed in God, setting out to disprove the existence of God, and then as he entered his prime with such an objective, was stricken with the worse case of muscular dystrophy the modern world has ever seen.  I don't know if it's cruel situational irony or a punishment from a supreme being (or both lol) but he appears to be less and less credible every time he thinks to express the thoughts floating around his decrepit mind.

My mind is mad deep and you can't swim...

I'm BACK, BITCHES!!!!!

Did he really just say that?!!

Yes!  Yes, he did!  He DID just say that!

Closed

Infinite Stylez is dead.  There will only be James.  It's been a nice run, folks...

Expect this account to no longer exist in a few days.

God's Only Mistake Was...

Sometimes I look at that bottle of zinc on my dresser and feel like I should swallow all 200 remaining tablets before I go to sleep.  I'm God's only mistake.  Somehow I've been enveloped by bad karma...no matter what I do or how much of myself I put into those things, bad things happen.  You're reading the words of a truly broken man with no desire to live.  However, I feel so bad I don't think enough of myself to feel entitled to the comfort of death.  So I just lay here.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I exist as a paradox...I'm a puzzle with no solution.  Many may theorize but none shall ever figure me out?  Why?   Simply because I make absolutely no logical sense.  Based on the definition of modern man I shouldn't even exist.  I don't fit in with the crowd.  Everything I do or say is misunderstood.

You people don't know me.  As hard as I try to introduce you, quite frankly, you never will.  I'm learning to accept that.  In a world where everyone and everything must be classified, I simply have no place.  So, I've become reclusive, finding that reaching out only makes things worse.  Even among loved ones I'm an outcast.

"James just won't conform."  I can't conform to everything...I'm only one person.

"He has an obvious problem with authority."  Authority has a problem with me.

"As smart as he is he acts as if he has no mind...he won't even try."  What's the point?

"I don't understand him, he won't open up...I can't teach him."  You're one of the few fools who've tried.

"Mrs. Marshall...give up.  There's no hope.  This one's a dud."  I agree.

"He says what he thinks I want to hear.  He's always thinking of a solution.  Maybe his focus should be math."  I hate math.

"He's disturbed.  He even depresses ME!"  Then why'd you inquire?  Why didn't you just watch me die?

"He's an ass, Mrs. Marshall.  Excuse my language.  He's impossible."  You should've continued to ignore me.  I was fine in my corner not being acknowledged.

"Someone's going to put him out of his misery one day..."  They've tried and failed.  Even I can't accomplish that and I'm with me all the time.

"He lies..."  You refuse to accept the truth.  What's left to give you but a lie?

"Is he some kinda introvert?!"  It doesn't matter.  You'll turn your back like everyone else...some day...

"He's either really intelligent or really condescending.  I don't like how he talks to others."  This is why I don't speak.  I wish I didn't have a voice.

"Jay...you're really smart but...you intimidate people.  You remind most folks that they aren't as smart as you."  How?!  Why can't be ordinary?!

Why can't I be like you?!  How is that I can't be just a regular person?!  Why do I have to be miserable all the time?  I can't communicate no matter how many words I can spell, define, and apply proper use to.  This life sucks!  No one trusts me, my decisions all backfire, and as soon as I figure it all out a group of deranged scientists want to destroy the world!  I've wasted all 26 years of my life just trying to find a place in this world.  I've watched every moment of my time be a curse to my mother.  I've tried to rid you all of myself and I'm still here.

You don't fucking know me!

You all expect me to express my thoughts and feelings while gagging me.  Then you expect me to break free of my restraints to express myself!  How can I?!  You don't give me a chance to satisfy either request!  When I curl up in my corner and don't move I'm still wrong!  I'm always the bad guy!

I have these seizures and these nightmares, I can't sleep.  I'm a fucking insomniac.  I can't bear to stay awake because I feel like I'm still dreaming!  I'm surrounded by liars, cheats, bums, and brutes.  I can't be civil without causing a problem with the few civilized people I encounter.  My opposing view always spawns a negative emotional reaction, nothing I say is never received the way I said it even when you stare into my mouth!

I'm making excuses!  I'm condescending!  I'm too smart for my own good!  I have a bad attitude!  I can't conform!  I'm too vocal!  I'm too quiet!  I'm vindictive!  Everyone seems to be able to percieve a problem and none of you are able to indicate what that problem is!

I'm not ANY of those things!  The problem with ME is that I'm constantly misunderstood!  The problem with ME is that I don't have anywhere to go in this world!  The problem with ME is that I don't want to be here and I can't seem to die so I don't have to be!  The problem with ME is that I hate you people but I can't stop loving you!  The problem with ME is that I feel alone even when I'm drowning in waves of people!  The problem with ME is that I feel the world would be a better if I had never been born!  I lament my own existence and you analysts can't even figure it out!

Most of you haven't seen a case like mine.  Can someone truly go beyond being suicidal?  Can someone be THAT miserable?  I ruin everything I interact with!  I can't use a word without breaking someone's heart, I can't want something for myself without the entire word crashing down around me!  I want to destroy myself but I'm not strong enough to lift the world onto my own chest!  Even worse is the only man with the hart to have helped me is dead because YOU people killed him!

I can't just be happily in love, I'm an asshole.  I can't relate or compromise without being self centered.  I can't have a normal relationship with my mom without being told how much I hate her.  I can't have a father to guide me because his decisions in his youth killed him in his middle age.  I can't interact with crowds without being looked at as a social cancer.  I can't do anything right!  I can't even EAT without causing some sort of disturbance!  YOU tell me why I should fucking be here!  I challenge any one of you fuckers out there to figure that one out!

Stephen Hawking?  James Woods?  Marilyn vos Savant?  Bobby Fischer?  Kim Ung-yong?  Dr. Phil at least?!  Nothing?  God??? (Laughing my fucking ass of) God is the most reserved on the list!  I won't even HOPE for answer even though I'm sure It knows.  God is probably enjoying me trying to figure out how to either be somewhat comfortable or crack the Omega Code surrounding me and finally fade to black!  How's that for irony?!  The most gracious and most merciful won't have mercy on lil' ol' me!

Maybe I'm insane with grief.  Even as I type this entry I can't relax.  My senses are so highly tuned when I'm this wired I can feel my brain seizing!  I know I'm going to have a rough night and I don't even care!  My chest is tight, my breaths are shallow, my head is beginning to spin and throb like crazy...nope, not going to stop me from finally clearing my mind.  As matter of fact, I think a few of those zinc tablets will help me stop shaking for the moment.  I really shouldn't have more than one as one is a fully daily dose, but, because I'm not likely to die anyway and I'm REALLY shaky, why not pop three?

Furthermore...my music...why am I even doing it?  So much talent and passion...but the more I pursue it the greater the loss of my individuality.  Not a single person in my life thinks I'm more than any other emcee out there.  What worse is it MUST be expressed as a concern to me.  These are what your concerns sound like to me, "James, I don't trust you to make this move without hurting me."  Did you get that?  Were you able to read that without being offended?  Did I compress all of my thoughts and feelins enough to fit into that thought without leaving anything out?  Was it short enough to hold your attention without causing you to read it wrong or feel I'm being a douche?

Have I upset myself enough to show you people I care?  Have I exposed myself enough to make you less ashamed of me though I'm now completely ashamed of myself?  Have I shed enough tears for you tonight?  Have I thrown away enough of my dreams for you?  Have I cleared everything up yet?  Have I left you with any questions?!

Oh, but don't get me wrong, I don't want your pity.  Don't feel bad for me.  No.  I've placed myself on the torture rack once again in hopes that you'll, at the very least, accept me.

My siblings...don't betray me anymore...

Mom...I don't hate you and never did...

Ryan...I'm sorry I've put you in the middle of this shit with me...

My other friends...just answer the phone.  Please...

Ron...I CAN'T respect you.  You turned your back on me...

My enemies...I understand...

My other half...I'm sorry I'm this way...

Myself...I hate you.  You're God's only mistake...

Hell On Earth

I've reached the conclusion that American people are stupid...

Honestly, normally I try to censor myself but I don't even care anymore.  If I get flagged...well...fuck it. *Kanye shrug*

I've been learning about the US oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico and thinking, "God!  How stupidly greedy can we be?!"  As dangerous as oil is to the ecosystem, we keep going after it because we have no regard for our own futures.  This is absolutely insane!  Why do American zeitgeists have this crazy idea that the US is God's country?  As wicked as American society is, I haven't the slightest clue.

Why would any God [that I'd believe in] bless a country that is on a collision course with the ill fate of destroying the planet?  We over consume [Gluttony...a deadly sin], are arrogant as hell [Great pride...another deadly sin], and have a murderous mindset [That violates one of the 10 Commandments].  I say unto you, oh Christian States of America, what of your God ordained nation now?

How are we fighting a "war against terrorism" with the usage OF terrorism?  It's not even counter-terrorism because we started the problem to begin with...over oil!  This gooey black substance that burns a hole in the Ozone Layer, world society, and our pockets.  What happens when the oil runs out [Oh, stop!  That'll never happen, Jay!!!]?  Oh, but it can and will, Mr. Marshall!  We're fighting to preserve our oil reserves as we speak.  What do you think the Persian Gulf War was about [*ahem* Armed conflict...]?  You continue to call it than when you're drafted and sent to disarm roadside bombs in Iraq [...].  And so ends your story.

Nick!  Have you anything to add [No, sir...]?!

Furthermore, if oil doesn't kill us, a group of California scientists will!  In April CNN published an article about the world's largest laser possibly solving the Earth's energy crisis.  Factually, there isn't an energy crisis, people like US citizens over consume and drain the reserves.  If that isn't enough, we're all also too lazy (or stupid)--[Or both...] Nick... [...]--to do the work required to produce more energy.  I figured the LEAST we could do is try to conserve some, but hey, what do I know?  I'm just a stupid black kid that likes to rap...

This is when some idiot is going to chime in and say, "We got to pray just to make it today," thinking all will be better if we place free human choice in God's hands.  Keep in mind, this is the same being that gave us totally free will to begin with...I'm sorry I'm not as optimistic as you; I just prefer to use logic in situations like this.  That and I'm also a cynic...so sue me. 

I really don't think prayer is going to solve anything at this rate.  We're on our own now as we've got to battle with the wills of other idiots.  As rich as this planet is in hydrogen and oxygen (water when they're together), I just can't fathom how someone would consider this a good idea.  If this mini star will consume hydrogen and is surrounded by hydrogen in the air around it, what will stop all of those combustable atoms and molecules from burning and fueling the reaction?  Maybe this question is completely irrelevant to these people...actually, it is.

Should we entrust this solar system to a group of people who have forgotten basic chemistry?  I think not.  Some people want to make a name for themselves, or die trying, and we just turn a blind eye as they TELL us, "Hey, for the sake of just seeing if we can do it, we're going to destroy the entire solar system.  Want in?"  And the Congress says, "Yeah!  I'll take a piece of that."

Let's look at this logically, please.

1. You can't possibly measure the surface temperature of the sun accurately.  You've only made up high ass numbers and accepted them as true, then plugged them into a shit load of devices that continue to lie for you for the sake of your reputation.

2. If you can't get close enough to measure the surface temperature of the sun, there's no possible way for you to get inside it to measure the temperature of its core.  Face it, you have no idea what you're doing or talking about.

3. The sun is far as fuck away from us for a reason!  Life can't bloom on Mercury and Venus for that same reason!  We couldn't get closer than Mercury because of the immense heat and gravity quirks...funny thing is, even Mercury is too hot to land on. 

4. Considering what's true from point 3, how the FUCK can someone produce shielding powerful enough to withstand the heat of a cosmic entity designed to adequately heat a planet [presumably] 93 million miles away?!  It would be more logically sound to do it on the moon where there is far less fuel for the star to consume.

5. The best way to solve an "energy crisis" is to use limitless energy sources while cutting back consumption...or at LEAST developing more energy efficient devices.  Build more kinetic generators that rely on wind.  We have plenty of wind...more fans should equal more output of the generator.  How about solar energy?  Ever thought of advancing that technology?  You can power houses with a roof made of weather resistant solar paneling.  Imagine an entire neighborhood with such...why...we could more than half our consumption!  Eureka!

No, instead of considering these 5 GOOD points, they'd rather blow several billion dollars on the one bad idea..."LET'S CREATE A STAR!!!"  This is what my tax money pays for, huh?  Destroying me in the fastest and most painful way possible, right?  Are you fucking kidding me?!

We're headed to hell in a hand basket while speeding in the express lane with no traffic cops...

*sigh* My mind is mad deep, and you've just jumped in.  And I [can't swim] am right behind you.

Please help me petition this!  We MUST appeal to Congress to reverse their decision to permit this experiment and dismantle that God forsaken laser:

Laser that will destroy us all 

I Am My Brother's Keeper

You all knew it was coming...don't even begin to pretend you weren't aware of a continuation.  My brothers, my sights have returned to the centers of your foreheads.  In previous updates I would speak on you subliminally, secretly chin checking you for being the manipulative bastards you are.  I tired of carrying on as if women couldn't be douchebags too, but the new phase is over...and my focus has returned.

You narcicistic, ego-maniacal, narrow minded, and prejudiced little boys who don't have the strength of character to take someone seriously.  Always playing with and jeering the delicate creatures we can't stop complaining about because you play the game until you burn out the cartridge.  You beat them, talk to them like sh!t, give them diseases, leave them alone with children, abandon them as children, lie to them, and treat them as inferiors.  You carry out such destructive behavior without even bothering to learn who they really are.

I understand they aren't perfect and neither are we.  The few of us with some decency catch the short end of the stick because the @ssholes ruin it for everyone.  Still I wonder how you win every time.  You get the girl in public while I have to clean up after you when I get the butt cheeks behind closed doors.  I get tired of putting a woman back together again after you've broken her to pieces!  Did you ever think we might actually LIKE the girls you take advantage of?!  That we'd fancy a relationship if she would still be willing?!  No, you didn't!  We, instead, get the tattered leftovers you can do no more with than momentarily enjoy...

It doesn't just end with the way you treat women either, no, you'll treat your brother the same.  You'll leave him stranded 1800 miles from home in a thunderstorm while he's ill, you'll pressure him into doing something he's wise enough to have apprehensions about, you'll forget your debts to him the moment he needs you and, worse yet, dare to declare he owes you for your valiant deeds.  You'll play war games with his life as the barter...you aren't men...you aren't even human.

As if that retarded college girl's mind is any more feeble than your own...you're just used to it.  She has to adapt to being stupid while you already profess the field.  You constantly play a risky game she's only just joined to test the waters, yet you swarm and abuse the newb.  How cowardice is that?  I may have asked her a simple question, considering how simple her mind is now, but, for the life of me, I can't fathom a simple enough question for you all [men] to answer.  I feel like I'm trapped in a country full of headbangers who snort rock salt, drink bleach, pop rat poison, and smoke pine needles.

The most depressing part is there isn't even a bright side to consider...

I'm too frustrated to continue.  People...the reasons why I'm a recluse...

I Don't Believe In Love

Women kill me.  I don't know what exactly made me randomly decide to b!tch bash but I feel a change in tone is due.  Usually I spend large amounts of time complaining about society, money, depression, politics, morons, and religious bullsh!t but today won't be the same.  No, today is about selfish sluts, two-faced tramps, cheating cun+s, and shady skeezers...the whole thing....

You know, I get tired of women blaming men for absolutely everything.  Listen, b!tch, you're an adult...think for yourself and accept responsibility for your own actions or lack thereof.  I constantly read drawn out status updates, tweets, and blog posts about some lonely college girl who can't find a good man and is sick of all the games.  Simple rhetorical question to a simple minded female, why the fu©k do you keep playing the games then???

It's so stupid to rush into a full blown devoted and monogomous commitment with someone you just met and had sex with yesterday.  You wake up kissing all over him with horrible morning breath and calling him your baby, watching him sleep, cooking him breakfast, buying him gifts, calling him all day every day...are you serious?!  In your rash attempts to not be branded a slore you've completely smothered a man into a relationship he didn't want because you want to erase your one night stand by fabricating some sort of sentiment around the memory.  Then, after he's fed up, given you more of his life than he was willing in the first place, and leaves you HE'S the criminal!

Let's all be of mature mind here.  We're all adults and are capable of making our own decisions.  It's not like he hypnotized you, no, you WANTED to screw him!  You can't change the rules after you've already started playing the game!  It's even less fair to bash him over what you did to yourself!  It's obvious you need to stop drinking, stop doing drugs, learn to control your sexual impulses, or any combination of the above.

I'm a 26 year old man who hasn't had intercourse or even mutual masturbation with a partner in 10 months.  Why do I have the honor of being included in your over generalized "Man Bash Revolutions?"  I didn't have anything to do with you idiots making insanely stupid decisions with your bodies and hard earned belongings at all for almost a solid year!  That's grossly unfair for me to have to endure having my pride and dignity stripped too.  It took a lot of discipline to accomplish that given the stage of life I've entered.  Besides, I was never one of those types of guys anyway, I preferred to play the background and get the butt cheeks on the low.  I was always about the fair exchange.

Let's not even get started on the manipulators; those who lure a good man into the monogomy he THOUGHT he was looking for, move in and trap him at home with her intense jealousy, and as soon as he leaves for work is sleeping with the entire city IN HIS bed!  Get real!  Oh!  Then there are the skanks who make sure to bang all his friends better than and more often than she sleeps with her man.

What about the broads who can't hold water? Tell her about a fetish and all her friends are making inside jokes about you when you walk by...give her a sip of water and watch her pee her pants.  That's an extremely accurate and fair analogy.  Not to say men are innocent, no, I'm the only innocent one.  I'm saying, with myself as an exception, both parties are just as guilty, however, this is about these God forsaken and backward felines cowering behind excuses for themselves.

What kind gutter cun+ ©um dumpster has group sex (1-on-6) with the neighborhood assasin squad, without protection, spreads the resulting diseases to subsequent poor perverts who genuinely adore her, blames THAT guy when she get's caught up, traps him with a baby that isn't his, and robs him for child support for 18 years?!  Even better question, how the hell did SHE come out the victor?!  This society is truly messed up.

The jerk get's all the booty, the good guy get's his life ruined, and the she-demon reaps the reward.  If I didn't love them so much I'd hate women.  I've been happier alone than I ever have been with a lover.

This has been a public service announcement.  That is all.

I Am God

The other day I was in a chatroom participating in a trending topic.  The topic was: I remember.  We flooded the room with things we remembered from "back in the day," everything from popular Kool-Aid flavors to kindergarten crushes.  We randomly threw sweet old recollections at each other for more than 2 hours.  The sentiment flowed rapidly from each handset almost as if we were in one enormous conference call with old friends...though we were all strangers.  My thoughts became solemn and I suddenly exited the chat.

What were my thoughts [Obviously bitter...]?  Yes, Nick, extremely bitter [Figures...].  As expected of you, Mr. Marshall, welcome back.  My thoughts were of the bright side of my younger years [As if you're that old...] [He is!  Hahahahaha!!!].  Quiet!  Both of you!  This is serious [...] [...]!  The memories, only bitter due to the loss of the experience, once seemed so far away...how quickly they came back to haunt me.

I remembered a better time, a time when people relied heavily on one another.  I remembered my strength, my greatest attributes which had revealed themselves in the Spring of my youth.  I had remembered when people believed in me.  Just the thought of another trusting in my abilities pains me these days.  I had become accustomed to being alone and having no one even notice I exist.

At some point in my early life I could do absolutely anything.  My genius only intimidated other geniuses around me.  I was Mr. Unlimited Potential...and, trust me, it was entirely true.  I had a mind for anything, a talent to match, and enough life experience to shame these Hip-Hop posers before I turned 11.  The sky was the limit though I aimed to fly beyond the very boundries of the cosmos themselves.

In spite of my many talents and high IQ I was just another victim of poverty.  My family never had much money and those who were fortunate enough to earn substantial amounts became estranged soon after.  With heavy violent, drug related, and gang activities surrounding me I was doomed to suffer through a troubled life.  Constantly abused, stolen from, and cheated...not enough money to eat at times...we struggled considerably.  It's always the same story, right?

If you assume this is the same story you're wrong.  This isn't the trademark response you receive from other artists who fabricate their lives.  I went to good schools until I reached high school, I joined organizations to stay out of trouble, I traveled, I studied, and tried to socialize with the most positive influences I could find.  I craved a better life despite my circumstances.  I ran into trouble often though I worked exceptionally hard to keep the news from falling on the ears of those I held dear.  I was truly a troubled youth but not a problematic one...although I was profiled as such.

Finally, after so much conflict and falling deeper into delinquincy regardless of my efforts not to, I broke.  I couldn't take anymore.  Someone once had the audacity to tell me I make excuses for others like me, that we encountered what we experienced by choice, that we weren't strong or responsible enough to utilize our other options.  She told me we don't and would not amount to anything because our wills were/are weak.  I spoke on this blindly self-centered young lady before with more ambiguity in an earlier update...she couldn't have been more wrong.

She didn't have to endure the same problems or think her way through the same situations, she wasn't surrounded by the same people or raised in the same environment as I, she knows nothing of real strife.  She caught a lucky break and moved away from poverty, her lack of open perception and maturity causing her to shut out the truth of the world around her.  Her great arrogance and stupidly blind faith causing her to make irrational and prejudiced judgements about the "havenots" she fails to properly understand or even acknowledge as people.

People like said individual are whom I am referring when I speak of people believing in myself and others.  Had I not given my all, would I be so well spoken?  Would I have moved from those neighborhoods if I weren't exercising all my options?  Could I control losing the only male role model I had been given to follow at an early age?  Is it MY fault the rest of society is so sorry?  Am I able to change the hearts and minds of wicked politicians, abusive parents, gang bangers, bullies, prostitutes, hoodrats, and posers?  Can I teach a self-proclaimed prophet or open that leader to other findings beneficial to his/her quest to find the true path of righteousness?  Can I teach said prophet what they preach about is essentially wrong as it doesn't literally and/or logically follow the literature before them?  I cannot!

Believe me, I've tried.  Why do you think I write these words?  I can't control who refuses to read them.  I make jokes to brighten my mood because my depression is spawned by the poor state of the world around me.  I stand alone amongst billions and fight a great war by myself.  Those I once called comrades all fallen or defected, taking up arms with the enemy.  People fight a devil that exists only in their imaginations whilst I battle a great demon that exists in the flesh of other human beings...and even my own.

I see the wretched creature for what it is and not for what everyone wishes it to be.  Because of this I am bound, gagged, beaten, and persecuted for my sight and my vision; exiled for my knowledge.  I'm tormented by lonliness as others view my very existence as taboo.  All my attempts have been thwarted by the devil hiding within the people who've been fooled into believing they're winning the battle against it.  In truth, they only protect it.  Flattering a disgusted God and singing songs in an asylum will not destroy a being that may conference with God whenever it so chooses (laughs).  Such foolishness! 

If that were true, heretics and murderers wouldn't continue to be what they are outside of the sanctuary.  If that were true, that holy water would boil the flesh of all who receive it and that palm oil would seep into their pores and melt their brains.  Singing compliments shall not be your salvation.  Trusting in those God has placed in your life is true faith.  Real faith is not blind, logically speaking, it can't be.  The fact anything exists at all is evidence of that.  You tell me, "Just pray and be patient, God will pull you through."  I call you an idiot because you have everything I need yet you stand before me and deny me access to it.  My prayers were answered the day you were born and your way of thinking has completely contradicted your whole purpose for being.

People would rather run around with their own imaginary image of God instead of accepting what God really is...life.  God is literally everything.  And even as I believe in everything...no one allows anything to believe in me. 

I remember a time when people believed in me...

Addiction

The end of Day 12 is the start of Day 13.  I find myself doing as I've become accustomed to doing every single day and night...working out.  I've had no days of rest...and my mind wanders endlessly as I attempt to relax.  I can't sleep and my meals have become smaller, yet, more frequent.  My only distraction is interaction with other people.

My muscles are swollen and sore.  My hair has grown longer and stronger.  My skin has begun to clear up and my vision is sharpened.  I hear more and feel more.  My senses have fully awakened, bringing the darkest depths of my mind to life.  Yes, when I'm in this torturous world of toil and exertion my thoughts fly free.

Suddenly the world around me no longer matters.  I forget I even exist in it...or that it exists around me.  All I may observe is within the confines of this room.

My efforts thwart the feelings of loneliness.  I'm too busy focusing all of my energy on the single goal I've set for these times.  To forget.  Not to forget as in allowing a memory to slip from the front of my mind, no.  To forget as in to hide.  The shame, the guilt, the regret, the frustration, the exhaustion, the restlessness, and the pain of my situation.  To hide from it all.

As the testosterone and adrenaline course through my veins, filling me with burning vigor, I experience a high.  A high I prefer as much as, if not more than, an orgasm.  Moving to my own rhythmn, watching the light dance off my chocolate skin, feeling each muscle ache and throb; this is what true pleasure is.

Falling short of breath as my heart races, pumping the essence of my life into every part of my body, while the window permits the gentle breeze to caress my frame.  The goosebumps trail down my back...guiding the sweat.  Every gust causing my hot body to tense up in ecstacy.  I've never had an experience this good.

Finally it ends and I must leave it for now.  I can barely move but my treacherous impulses have taken full control.  I'm compelled to tie my hair as I step into the bathroom and look into the mirror...into the eyes of an infidel.  I approach the bath tub and turn on the warm water.  A slave to my desires, I step in and enjoy how it envelopes me.

The water dances over my chest and arms.  Branching into fingers it runs down my spent abs like the fingers of a lover.  Lower...lower...comforting me, appreciating me.  It turns me on.  The stronger I get, the weaker I feel.  I can't resist.  I'm in agony but I've fallen too deep to stop.  So, I close my eyes and just...feel.